“Why White People Love the Beach” by Sigmund Freud
Most of my black friends aren’t too keen on hitting the sand and the waves … but my white friends will spend two grand to give themselves a week of sandy underpants, bad sunburns and an extra five pounds from greasy French fries.
So, who can explain this odd phenomenon? Sigmund Freud is here with some answers (please read with your best German accent).
1. Vhite people are unhappy people. One reason for such unhappiness is because ve vork all day inside, behind a computer, or in a cubical, or in a factory or at an Arbys and so ve don’t get our Witamin D synthesis. So ve go to the beach to escape our jobs and gain a sense of happy.
Yet, vhite people are also beasts of burden, and ve find a vay to make jobs at the beach. So, vhen we come to the beach, ve love hauling chairs, coolers and sundry other beach fixtures to and from the beach and back again. Nothing makes a vhite person happier than to vork for fun vhile on wacation. And vhat do we do once ve get to the beach? Ve build stuff … like castles.
Come on, vhite people … relax. Vhy don’t you just sit at home and vork on small project at your home? You pay to rent another person’s home and make vork in the sand so that the vater can vash it away. And then after your week is done at the beach, you’ll vork harder at your job, stay inside more so you can make more money and do it again next year!
2. Body surfing. Vhat a stupid sport. Never in the vorld has there been a sport that risked so much injury and provided so little pleasure. Take football for instance … or soccer, as you Americans call it. A footballer might get injured once a season after he or she has enjoyed many games of play. A body surfer: one surf, multiple scraps, bumps and bruises. And for vhat? Moving a couple feet vith the vater? How dumb is that, vhite people?
3. Vhite people love to look at other vhite people.
You vould think that vith all our vorking with other people that ve vould vant to get away from other people for our wacation.
You vould have thought the facebook vould have solved this.
Ve go to beaches vith bunches of people and we stare at them. Ve stare at the fat ones. Ve stare at the old ones. Ve stare at the hairy ones. Ve stare at the ones in the ugly bathing suits … but no vhite person stairs at the pretty ones. No, we look at them out of the corner of our eye lest other vhite people see that ve are staring at the pretty vhite people. Stupid vhite people. If you pay thousands of dollars to build castles at the beach on your wacation, vhy don’t you at least stare at the pretty vhite people?
4. Let’s talk about that beach body that you vorked so hard for in the spring. You don’t eat anything for like a vhole season so you can look skinny in a piece of clothing that costs $100 for the vomen. Really, vhoever thought of this is a genius. Have the vomen pay them $100 for a really small piece of clothing that the women then vear for the da men. It must of been a very, very smart man who invented this.
You don’t eat anything before you go to the beach, and then at the beach you eat everything. Vhy is that? You think you shouldn’t eat anything vhen you vear clothes and when you don’t vear hardly any clothes you eat everything? Silly vhite people.
5. And finally, vhite people go to the beach so they can become not vhite. They strip down to their $100 underwear clothing, exposing their glowing vhiteness, rub expensive lotion all over their skin and then they hope that vhen the day is done, they can look Latino or something. And when they miss a part of their glowing vhiteness vith their expensive lotion, vhat do they look like? A tomato. A funny fruit. Stupid vhite people, ve are.
Vhy do vhite people love the beach? Because they don’t like being vhite people. That’s vhy.