The other day I heard a Christian making fun of Rob Bell by calling him gay (and, mind you, this wasn’t the first time I’ve heard this).  This is wrong on so many levels, so I decided to write a sarcastic post on how Rob Bell could have us hate him more.
  1. He could act more gay. Christians are homophobic … they love to push, shove and bully people they see as less manly; so any added gaynnerism exhibited by Mr. Bell would give a good 10 hate points.
  2. Rob could love Jesus more than the Gospel.  Christians love the Gospel more than Jesus … the Roman’s Road, the Four Spiritual Laws, the TULIP and the Gospel of the Ten Commandments.  It’s always a major disappointment when some young guy comes along who likes Jesus more than the Roman Road.  15 hate points for hating the Gospel.
  3. He could be successful in reaching young people.  Christian young people need to act like Christian old people, think like old people and seek to please old people.  20 hate points awarded to Mr. Rob Bell for trying and actually reaching young people without being like an old person.
  4. Be more successful.  Only God should be successful.  100 hate points.
  5. Christians love people who don’t do their homework … like scholars who call a book heretical before they’ve read the book.  Rob is actually a smart, well-spoken Christian who does his homework and attempts to love Jesus with his mind.  5 hate points for having smarts.
  6. Martin Luther represents what Christians like: he was hot-headed, often rash and could feed humble pie to his critics with his mad rhetoric skillz.  Rob Bell, on the other hand, has been kind towards his critics, hasn’t acted rashly and has willingly listened to his critics, allowing himself to be humbled by their suggestions.  Bad on you, Mr. Bell for not acting like Martin Luther and Jesus! And if you do it again, you’ll get 25 hate points!
  7. Did I mention he dresses like he’s gay?  99 hate points!
  8. He’s kind of distanced himself from the emergent village, et al.  So, go and sleep with some of those guys, Rob and then people could call you “postmodern” and actually mean it.  25 hate points for being moderate.
  9. Love Wins.  Who wants love to win?  Seriously, Rob … we Christians want people to go to hell … it really makes us feel good to know we’re “in” and the others are “out.” We need people to go to hell so we can feel good about ourselves. Hate Wins would have been much more appropriate.  If you write “Love Wins 2″, you will get 200 hate points for fail lovie-dovie title redux.
  10. He could change his name to Robert Bobert Belius (Rebbelius for short).   6 letters, 6 letters and 6 letters or 666. If you want more hate, change your name.  Infinity hate points.
  11. He could question thousands of years of Christian doctrine instead of just questioning the last 100 years of evangelical theology. Question long standing Creeds, in the company of other reformers: extra jewel in heaven.  Questioning evangelical theology: deserving of hell.
  12. He could address the culture (and maybe be influenced by it).  The Church has never done this.  Seriously, none of the church fathers addressed and were influenced by Hellenism; Augustine never addressed or was influenced by Platonism.  The early American Christians never thought about the Enlightenment.  Evangelicals didn’t give a toot about modernity. In hell next to Origen and Hitler because you addressed the culture and may have been influenced by it.

Hate is what we do to people we disagree with … we’re Christians … we love to hate … we especially love to hate our own.

*****

Did I miss anything?  What else could Robert Bobert Belius do to have us hate on him a little more?

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