I’m not really sure what to write today.

It’s sort of a big day for Nicki and I.

Rather, it’s not that I’m “not sure what to write”, it’s that I’m not sure what words I need for it.

What I should write is this:  Today is our home study, the last big hurdle we go through before we’re “on the adoption market.”

I should write: It’s been an incredible journey, of

grief (realizing we can’t/aren’t having biological children)

redemption (realizing that others too are currently sharing in another kind of difficulty, and that their kind of difficulty and our kind of difficulty can be joined together in a redemptive act of adoption)

and struggle (to decide what *kind* of adoption we want and what agency we should use; a struggle to somehow find the finances; a struggle to ask others for help, to receive from them and be humbled by “just not having enough”)

And I should write:

Today (today our case worker asks the final question, “Can your living space house a child?”)

decides our

Future (if we pass the test today, we’ll officially be “pregnant”).

I should also write that:

I’m so excited to be a father!

And that

Nicki is going to be a wonderful mother!

And,

I’m looking forward to making my parents “grandparents.”

But, honestly, I’m nervous.  I’m nervous because what if something goes horribly wrong and we don’t pass this “home study.”

I should say, “There’s no reason we shouldn’t pass it.

And what I should say would be right, but I’m still nervous.

Our house is clean.  Our dog is groomed.  I have a fresh hair cut.  Nicki even touched up the paint in our little home.

Yup, we’re ready.

I think.

*****

Please, somebody assure me that all this having words/not having words, being confident/being nervous is all normal for an abnormal expecting parent?

*****

UPDATE:  The “home study” is done.  And our caseworker didn’t slam our place at all.  She didn’t pull out any, “I wouldn’t let my dog live here” or “you guys should be on ‘Hoarders’” comments.

Phewww.

It all went really well.  We love the caseworker who’s guiding us.  Even our dog, who — if you’ve ever met him before you know what I’m talking about — tends to be a little rambunctious, was the most well behaved he’s ever been around a new guest.

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