Mark Driscoll’s Top Ten Manliest Ways to Die
CONTENT DISCLAIMER: As per the direct advice of Mars Hill PR, I am to inform you that this post is fictitious and DOES NOT represent the views or opinions of Mark Driscoll. However, the content of this post is Caleb Wilde’s exaggerated interpretation of Mark’s recent arrogant radio interview with the British radio program “Unbelievable”.
“My Top Ten Manliest Ways to Die” by “Mark Driscoll.
1.) Any person who makes fun of the feminization of mankind is worthy of honor, but epic is the death of a man who dies while zealously hurling insults at an effeminate European “man.”
2.) Preaching to a bunch of woman so forcefully that your lungs and heart explode simultaneously. To make this death even more grand, your last word should be a Braveheartian yell of “SUUUBBBMIIIIITTTTT!!!!”
3.) If you happen upon an angry mob of gay men, and you bully them in the name of Jesus. If this angry mob attacks you and kills you. THIS. THIS is an honorable death.
Although … as I think about it … if you’re a real man, you should be able to beat up an angry mob of gay men with a paperback Bible as your weapon.
Scratch that last one.
4.) If you happen upon an angry mob of gay men, you bully them, 100 of them attack you, you beat them all up and then die from exhaustion. THEN. THEN, this is an honorable death.
5.) If you die from a heart attack while making love to your wife. But, you must die on top for this to be considered honorable.
6.) Speaking of being on top. We all know that authority is hierarchical and that God ultimately wins because God’s the guy on Top. He’s the Master not the Servant and so you – being like God — have got to be the Master of your wife. If you die from constantly footing your wife down, you’ve died in the correct, biblical position and you’ve died a man.
7.) If you were raised by your mother and your father was absentee, obviously you’re going to be all lovey dovey and have a gay view of God – probably a view similar to Rob Bell’s. In fact, you might even look like Rob Bell, smell like Rob Bell and not believe in hell like Rob Bell. At this point, kill yourself … it’s the only way you can become a man.
8.) If you’re killed after a long battle with a robot, you’re a man.
9.) If you die from spontaneous combustion because you were trying to be as manly and as hot as me, “Mark Driscoll”, this is an honorable death for a real man.
10.) If you’re ever put in the position of Jesus — to die a substitutionary death for the sake of the few — you shouldn’t be a limp wristed Jesus and just lay down on the cross. Fight those bastards! Make your death glorious, manly, and God-like as you kill the Roman soldiers with every ounce of energy you have left. Pick up your cross and use it as a weapon! And die like a real man!