Vetting New Believers Before They Can Call Themselves “Christian”
It’s the political season for vetting. And I think there’s something Christians could learn from this process. I mean, could you imagine all the media hate we’d bypass if we had better vetted Fred Phelps and all those crazies who started the Crusades?
Political parties vet their representatives and we as Christians are the representatives of the Kingdom of God, so why don’t we do the same? We do, actually. We do it bunches. Especially after church.
So let’s find a way to do it in church. We’ve been smart enough to have ecumenical creeds for our doctrines, I suggest it’s high time we settle on a unified vetting process to save the Church from all loser, fail and stupid “Christians”.
In the spirit of Jesus’ Public Relations and for the furtherance of unity in the body of Christ, I thought I would attempt to make an Ecumenical Vetting Process to determine WHEN new believers can go public with their Christian.
1.) In order to call yourself a Christian in Western civilization you must be able to update your Facebook status with proper grammar and decent syntax. He doesn’t want you making Him look dumb.
If you don’t have the MDiv., you propably shouldn’t speak publicly about your interpretation of scripture. Jesus invites you to less important tasks in the church like ushering, organizing potlucks, leading youth group and / or leading worship.
2.) In order to call yourself a Christian, you MUST have a firm grasp on ALL verbiage that is considered “politically correct.” Remember W.W.J.D. and W.W.N.P.S. (What would Nancy Pelosi say).
3.) You MUST be somewhat attractive. Jesus isn’t sold on the “Attraction Model” of church growth, but he does like his people to be well groomed and as handsome and/or pretty and/or metro as they possibly can be. The Sampson look was so B.C. Think Mitt Romney.
4.) You CANNOT be the author of cheesy music, be the artist of horrible art, be the poet of sappy “Christian” poems or have any type of cheesiness. Jesus likes cheese with His wine, but he doesn’t like cheesy with his Christians.
5.) You must be a VERBAL pacifist. Now, secretly, we all know Jesus likes to throw it down now and again, but you can’t let the world know this. No warmongering, hate speech allowed.
6.) You must live an ENTIRELY morally pure life as defined by everybody else’s standards. That’s right. Not only does Jesus want you to live by HIS standards, he also wants you to live by EVERYBODY else’s as well. Sound impossible? If it does, maybe you’re not cut for the esteemed title of “Christian.”
7.) Finally, if you’re going to call yourself a Christian, you should NOT watch, listen or like Lady Gaga. Jesus used to like weird outcasts, but he’s gotten over them and now prefers the in crowd of normal people.
If you do all of the above, Jesus will let you call yourself a “Christian.”
Maybe if we get enough people who can pass this vetting, we can redeem the name “Christian” and rid ourselves of the monikers of being “dumb”, “uneducated”, “ungracious”, “ugly”, “cheesy”, “uncreative” and “hypocritical.” You know, we’ll be perfect … just like the 12 disciples.
Finally, you can bypass the whole vetting process if you simply decide to give loads of money to the Republican Party.
Being that this is an ecumenical vetting process, I’m sure my point of view doesn’t capture the entire picture.
What did I miss?