5 Reasons the Zombie Apocalypse Would Kill the Funeral Biz
As Herschel lay with amputated leg on the prison cot and his daughters await the possibility of his death, I can’t help but think how complicated funerals would become in the fantasy land of the The Walking Dead (my favorite show).
And while a zombie apocalypse is less likely than say a nuclear apocalypse, if there was indeed a zombie apocalypse, it would decapitate the funeral business (do you like how I used the word decapitate?).
Here’s how it would kill the funeral biz:
One. The fact that that you have to kill the zombies with a head shot or decapitation. That might hurt the whole viewing part of a funeral. We just couldn’t say “it will look just like dad.” We’d have to say something like, “If will look like dad with a hole or two in his head.” And that’s not very polite or empathetic.
Two. I don’t think zombies have working circulatory systems?!? In which case, the normal method of embalming is out. Not only can’t we offer restoration, we can’t offer preservation. So … that sorta kills the funeral business as we know it. But, you say, “The funeral business is based on service, not embalming.”
And that assumes funeral homes are willing to give service to zombies ….
Three. I’d be a “No Zombie” funeral home. Yup. I know what you’re thinking, “Zombies deserve equal funerals too!” Not at my funeral home. The last thing I’d want is to walk into the funeral home and realize that ‘ol “double tap” wasn’t successfully employed.
Four. The “We Funeralize Zombies” funeral directors would eventually become walkers themselves. One family doesn’t use the “double tap” and that undertaker becomes a zombie, spelling the end of their bizznus.
Five. Syllogism shizzle: All Zombies are dead. All funeral homes house dead people. Conclusion: All funeral homes are zombie homes. That’s bad PR my friends. Who likes a zombie house?
Boom. And that’s how the Zombie apocalypse kills the funeral biz.