CONSPIRACY THEORY #1

The stink bugs are back.

Last year when the gremlins of stench invaded my home, I developed a conspiracy theory based on these facts:

I never see them grow.  There’s no such thing as a developing stink bug.  They just appear, seemingly out of nowhere … as though they were spawned from some space ship and simply planted here on earth in an adult state.

They don’t have any natural born enemies.  Nothing eats them because they smell.  They sit outside the food chain unabated by predators.  And they never eat … when have you seen a stink bug chowing down on dinner?

Finally, the experts say that stink bugs are from Asia … and we all know that the prepositional phrase “from Asia” is attached to everything that is suspiciously more advanced that our current understanding … such as UFOs and the like.

From these facts I concluded that stink bugs are in fact recon aliens sent from outer space to spy on the habits and propensities of humanity.

CONSPIRACY THEORY #2

This year, as the stink bugs have once again shown up in the droves to disturb my family, I’ve developed a different conspiracy theory based on the following facts.

One.  Stink bugs never sleep.  Flies sleep.  Bees sleep.  But at 2:30 AM you’ll still find the demon stink spawn of Satan buzzing around the room like restless monsters.

Two. When stink bugs walk, they have the zombie trot down to a science.  They move with an obvious discord that seems crooked and disjointed.

Three.  They eat flesh.  Yes, as I’ve demonstrated before with photo evidence of my face (see below), stink bugs indeed bite.  But, even though they eat flesh, they can seemingly survive without any sustenance.

Actual bites on my face from a stink bug. I was asleep and the bites woke me up. My reaction was to hit whatever was on my face. And I was surprised to find none other than a stink bug.

Four.  They are ugly, ragged looking creatures that can only be killed with a shot to the head.  Sure, you can squash their bodies, but their scent lives on.  The only way to properly kill them is with a shot to the head.

They may indeed be recon aliens, but – based the four facts above – it’s very possible that the zombie apocalypse has started, not with humans, but with bugs.

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