I’d like to say that ALL funeral directors are in the funeral business to serve people, but sadly there are those who are looking to profiteer on humanity in their weakest moment.

In 1984 the Federal Trade Commission established The Funeral Rule.  It was created to protect you, the consumer, from scam artists who hide under the guise of respectable, here-to-help-you “undertakers.”  Even decent funeral directors tend to bend parts of the The Funeral Rule, and I – being a funeral director – know which parts tend to be bent.

Let me highlight those parts of The Funeral Rule that you, as the consumer, should be aware:

One.  A burial vault is NOT required by state law.  Most cemeteries require a vault to keep the ground from eventually caving in, but some do not require vaults.  If you don’t want to pay the extra expense of a burial vault, find a cemetery that doesn’t require them!

Two.  While embalming still constitutes the “traditional funeral”, it is NOT required.  In fact, we must have the permission of the next of kin to embalm.  You can even have a public viewing with an unembalmed body.  No worries, no one will catch death if an unembalmed body is displayed in public.  *Some states require embalming when transporting a body from one state to the next. 

Three.  You don’t need a casket for cremation.  Profiteering funeral directors will try to sell a rather pricey “alternative container” for cremation, but most crematories only require a body bag that keeps body fluids contained.

Four.  You don’t have to buy the casket, urn or merchandise from the funeral home.  You can buy it from a third-party, such as Wal-Mart; or, you can make it yourself. 

Five.  Our “basic service fee” is necessary to pay, but everything else is an optional item/service to be purchased, such as a casket and even transportation of remains (you can do this yourself … although you need to go through the proper channels).

When all is said and dead, if you want a “traditional” funeral or cremation, it should be more cost effective and efficient to use your local funeral home’s services and products, but sometimes it’s not.  I advise you to price shop BEFORE you pass.  Some funeral homes are nearly twice as expensive as others and it’s helpful to find that out before you die.

There are funeral directors who are legally sound, but ethically stinky in their pricing.  Make sure you find a funeral director that YOU can trust with your funeral and your money.  And know your rights.

Americans like to go out in style in a Caddy or a Lincoln.  They like their cars big and showy in life and death.  Do Americans REALLY want their loved ones to be transported in the epitome of conservation, economy and weakness?

If you’d want to use a Prius Hearse for your loved one’s funeral, “Like” this blog post.  If you’re like “naaah, give me a Lincoln” tell me why you’d opt for the big Linc.

After a little more research I found that the Barbie Dream Hearse has a website.  AND the hearse is available for rentals … like for parties, weddings and such.  Example:

After browsing the website, I found the jackpot of time waste … their epic photo album (which may require a gmail account to access).

You’re welcome.

Example #1

2. This one’s my favorite ….

3. And who wouldn’t want to put their ashes in Barack Obama’s head?

4. This is supposed to be a celebrity … I think it’s Elizabeth Hurley.

5. Cate Blanchett.  Lord of the Rings fans can put themselves in Cate’s head.

Whose head would you want to put your ashes in?

Supposedly, this photo is of Robinson's uncompleted Starbucks Franchise, which resides in the funeral home proper.

Coffee has left it’s mark on our funeral home.  About a year ago a 20 something stood in a viewing line for about a half hour with a 32 oz of coffee in her hand.  Upon approaching the deceased, the sometimes acute psychosomatic experience called “grief” caused her to spill the entire cup right in-front of the casket and onto the rug.

After the viewing, I cleaned it up with our carpet cleaning vacuum, but the mark is still vaguely visible.

While coffee has left a carpet mark on our funeral home, it will forever mark the Robinson Funeral Home in Easley, South Carolina as they will be opening up a Starbucks Franchise in their funeral home sometime in August.

Maybe Robinson can serve their own original blend: The caffe morte.  A cup to die for.  Especially when its served with extra cremation.

I’m just not sure how this is going to work.  The coffee shop itself is open to the public.  Does this mean that I can sit in the lounge area and drink my grande iced caffe macchiato while enjoying my New York Times and a view of today’s funeral?

There’s always the-guy-talking-very-loudly-on-his-cell-phone at Starbucks.  What happens when he comes into the Robinson Starbucks during a funeral?

*****

Honestly, I’m more interested in the ideas behind the Robinson Starbucks than I am the logistics of it’s operation.

Why?  Why would you do this?

Chris Robinson — the owner of the funeral home — says that it’s “one more service for people to choose from.”

I wonder if it’s an attempt to attract the younger crowd to funerals.  I can picture the conversation between a mother and her son:

“Bobby, are you coming to your grandma’s funeral?”

“I don’t think so … funerals just aren’t my thing.”

“They have a Starbucks at the funeral home.”

“Do you know if they have WiFi?”

“Yes. They have WiFi and a TV.” (*the Robinson Starbucks will also include a fireplace … I wish I was making this up)

“Well, I guess I’ll come.”

Funerals are just like church … we should use any means possible just to get ‘em through the doors.

Maybe the purpose of the Robinson Starbucks is simply supplemental income?

I can also picture that conversation in Chris Robinson’s head:

“I need to make some more money.  What can give me that jolt … that competitive advantage that no other funeral home has … it has to meet a basic need.

McDonalds!?!  No.  A McDonalds would be like handing out cigarettes to my clientele.  Too obvious.

A bar?  No.  I’m getting close.

What would help people experience grief with an added edge?  A medicinal marijuana shop?  No … bad PR.

Starbucks.  Yes.

*****

It almost seems like the Robinson funeral home is taking a page out of the Megachurch manual.  Give them coffee and they will come.  As my uncle said, “So the church IS influential in society?!”  The church can proudly say that they played a major role in shaping the funeral industry.

If the funeral home keeps going the Megachurch route, maybe the funeral directors will soon find their wardrobe full of hipster clothes and unneeded glasses.  Maybe their funeral directors will get a twitter account, and try to develop a strong social media presence.  Maybe soon — like so many megachurch pastors — the Robinson Funeral Home will start a blog and name it, “Blogging about Death” or “Funeral Home Confessions.”

Wait a minute.  Why don’t I have a Starbucks at my funeral home?  Why didn’t I think of this!

Maybe I’ll just one up Robinson and franchise a Wal-Mart next to my funeral home: “One Stop Shop: In Life and Death”.

]]> http://www.calebwilde.com/2012/07/funeral-home-in-s-c-opening-starbucks-franchise/feed/ 7 http://www.calebwilde.com/2012/06/dont-text-and-drive/ http://www.calebwilde.com/2012/06/dont-text-and-drive/#comments Fri, 29 Jun 2012 14:27:04 +0000 Caleb Wilde http://www.calebwilde.com/?p=4446 For those of you that don’t know, Batesville, Indiana is the Mecca of the Funeral Industry as it houses the great Batesville Casket Company’s Headquarters.

I, and a group of 30 funeral directors from the Philly area, visited the hallowed ground of Batesville a couple years ago and was wined and dined on their guest estate over the course of a three day stay.  When a group of 30 funeral directors get together, the time passes quickly as untold, gruesome and sometimes embellished stories flow as freely the alcohol.

Not only does Batesville have innovative caskets, good food and the like, they also apparently have a morbid sense of humor.

(special thanks to Joy Bennett for sharing the above photo with me)

One out of six fatal collisions occur because of distracted driving.  Most distracted driving is somehow related to your cell phone.

So, if you want to support you local funeral director and Batesville, please text your friends and mummy while driving.

Here’s the down low from Oddity Central:

The Ukrainian town of Truskavets, famous for its mineral springs, has just added another major attraction on its menu for tourists. A giant coffin, 20 meters long, six meters wide and 6 meters tall has been built by a group of undertakers and will serve as a bar.

Named Eternity by its founders, the coffin bar will serve “Nine Days” and “Forty Days” salads to its customers on normal size coffins that will serve as tables. As you can see in the photos, the bar uses funeral flower arrangements and real coffins as decorations and according to one of the undertakers, the waitresses will be dressed to match the theme.

After watching this video, I think I’ve changed my mind on Diamond Burial.  The main reason I changed my mind is because — as you’ll see in this video — “Diamond Burial” seems to be taking off in a deeply communal society: China.  There’s a truly existential value that the Chinese mother communicates in this video that hits at that “communal creation.”

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In response to my post I was called “narrow minded” by Clarence Williams, “snotty” by Bryan Moore, a “disturbing example of the ever-growing number of intolerant, judgmental, arrogant Christians who want everyone else to live by their rules” by Jeff Perrin, “creepy” by both “Andrew.” and “Gulgamesh”  and finally — my favortite — I was indicted as one who is “simply speaking from (my) rectum” by “Beladona_13.”

So as a peace offering that I’m sure won’t placate my detractors, nor atone for my snobbish rectum talk, here’s some of those hearse collector items on display.

And to be honest, it is pretty neat to see these vehicles find new life.  All satire aside, hearses are great vehicles that rarely have major mechanical issues.  They are built well and die hard.  Personally, and pragmatically, I have no problem — in fact I appreciate the individuality — of anyone who restores and rocks the hearse on the road.  I, for one, would have an awesome time at a hearse show … and if there’s any near Parkesburg, I’ll be sure to go.

So, please accept my honest apology and sincere appreciation of your art and restoration of retired hearses.

And for the record: a snob I am not. Nor am I narrow-minded, judgmental, or intolerant. I may be creepy at times, but not so much that my personality could be described as macabre. An ass who sometimes speaks from my rectum … well, at times … yes. Yes, that criticism may be true.

Personally, I’d like to see them resurrect these things.  Who knows … maybe they taste better than beef?!?

2.  The state of Maine has it’s first alkaline hydrolysis cremation machine.  Alkaline hydrolysis is the most green option for disposing of deceased remains; it uses hot water and lye to liquefy the deceased, sending the human remains down the drain.

Would you like to be liquefied?  Remember, when in Maine don’t drink the tap water.

3.  Although Thomas Kinkade’s last couple years have been less than unscathed, it’s sad to see anyone die at only 54 years of age.

4.  Yes, there’s a bacon casket.  Yes, there’s now a video about the bacon casket.

Question.  If a person loves bacon enough to buy a bacon casket, don’t you think the makers of the bacon casket should be making LARGER caskets?

5.  Abe Lincoln’s corpse put modern day embalming in the consciousness of the nation.  Before Lincoln, embalming had it’s foray in the Civil War, where the wealthier parents of deceased military men had their sons embalmed in the soldier’s camp and shipped home.  But when Lincoln was assassinated and his body traveled 1600 miles and stopped in over 400 plus cities, embalming became a want of all classes.  Here’s the story that details the travels of Lincoln’s body.