Yesterday was National Funeral Director and Mortician Recognition Day. In fact, I captioned another grumpy cat for the occasion and posted it on my facebook page.
There’s “Middle Name Pride Day” on February 12th; March 18th is both “Awkward Moments Day” and “Forgive Your Mom and Dad Day”; and August 6th is “Hamburger Day”, so why can’t there be “Death Appreciation Day”?
Sure, most countries celebrate a “Festival of the Dead” in which they remember those who have passed away, but why not have a day solely devoted to Death?
I know, you have some questions, such as:
What would we celebrate?
1.) We’d celebrate all of the motivation that death gives the world.
I mean, would you really work so hard for that retirement if you knew you’d live forever? Would you change your bad habits right now if you knew you had an eternity to attempt to rectify yourself? Death makes responsible citizens out of most of us.
2.) We’d enjoy and celebrate other great things that Death has given us … like inheritance money.
3.) We’d also take time to be thankful for all the space our forefather’s have left us. How crowded would this globe be if it wasn’t for the Grimm Reaper? I love my relatives, but living shoulder to shoulder with them for an eternity might get slightly annoying.
4.) And then there’s the great art that Death has given us. We’d never have Edgar Allen Poe, nor could we imagine the joys of heaven with Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel. And who wouldn’t miss the incredible casket haulers we call “hearses”? Hearses are moving creativity that never would have been created had Death never moved us.
5.) And chicken … steak … sushi. Seriously, why would you want to live if not for sushi? But, guess what, no death, no sushi.
6.) We’d celebrate the world economy. No death, no economy.
If you wouldn’t die, would you buy safety features on the car you probably wouldn’t own and that you definitely wouldn’t have insured?
Heck, would cars or planes even exist if we lived forever? You’d just walk to anywhere you wanted to go cause you’d have all the time in the world.
Doctors, maybe preachers, and certainly funeral directors would all be without jobs. Almost everybody would be affected (although I’m sure lawyers would find a way to get work).
7.) And for all the good people Death has taken, we shouldn’t forget it’s also taken some real jerks. Hitler. Stalin. Who would want to live forever with those guys? Death has stamped a massive “FAIL” on the forehead of most the world’s dictators. And, it’s killed all the billions and billions of stink bugs that have lost their lives.
Can you imagine a world where death never touched a stink bug? If you can’t imagine it, I can and it’s one that’s very, very stinky.
So, thank God for death. We should probably decide to celebrate it.
Once we pick a date, we can all wear black and celebrate the greatness of death by having picnics in cemeteries, listen to Emo music, watch Zombie movies and top off the day by taking a couple minutes off our lives in homage by smoking cigarettes.
If I’ve missed any of Death’s praises, please lend your voice in the chorus of appreciation.
I’ve never heard of hazing practices in the funeral industry (although I’m sure it’s happened). And, thankfully, I’ve never been hazed. But if it was common place to haze interns, here’s what hazing might look like in the funeral industry:
1.) At 2 AM in the morning you call out Intern Johnny and say, “Johnny, there’s a call at ‘such and such’ address. Mr. Johnson has died.” If we’re hazing Johnny, it’s assumed that Mr. Johnson’s death is fictitious, but the address doesn’t have to be.
The possibilities are nearly endless:
Mr. Johnson’s house could be the funeral director’s ex-girlfriend/boyfriend’s house.
Johnny pulls up to ex-girlfriend’s house, rings doorbell and waits. Ex scrambles to get dressed, opens the door and reluctantly says, ‘Can I help you?”
Johnny: “I’m here to pick up Mr. Johnson.”
Johnny: “Mr. Johnson … a deceased family member of yours?”
Ex.: ”I’m sorry, Mr. Johnson doesn’t live here … you have the wrong house.”
Or, if the funeral director isn’t so diabolical as to send intern Jimmy to his or her ex’s house, he could just send Jimmy to an abandoned house.
Or, Mr. Johnson’s house could be the funeral director’s friends house and your friend could pose as the dead guy, who is waiting to scare the living S*%# out of the intern. And this idea leads to the next hazing …
2.) You could lay in a body bag in the morgue awaiting said intern. From there, scare as you wish … preferably BEFORE said intern starts the embalming process.
3.) “You embalmed an alive body” is a pretty nasty thought; and an equally nasty hazing. Intern comes back from picking up a body at a nursing home (most nursing homes don’t have morgues … we literally take the body out of the bed … which can create confusion when there’s two or three or four people who sleep in same room). Intern embalms said body. Funeral director comes storming into the morgue, “Is that the body you just picked up from the nursing home?”
“Yes” says intern sheepishly.
“The nursing home just called and said they gave you the WRONG BODY!” says funeral director in mass hysteria. “The body on the OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM was the one that was dead!!!”
“DID YOU EMBALM THE BODY!?!” says funeral director!
Intern’s face becomes ghostly pale and distorted.
“They said the body you picked up was JUST SLEEPING!” That person was alive!
“Quick, try CPR” says funeral director.
When CPR doesn’t work, the funeral director screams, “NOOOO!!! YOU KILLED THEM!”
“What?” says intern. “NOOOO!” says intern.
At this point the hazing begins to involve some sense of ethics. Does the funeral director push this hazing farther by suggesting that the intern must clean the morgue top to bottom so as to cover up said “killing” or does the funeral director stop the hazing and save the poor intern a heart attack?
4.) Or, the funeral director could just have the intern clean the morgue, pick up dead bodies in the middle of the night, yell at them all the time … oh, wait, that’s what happens anyways. And this is why there’s no rite of passage in the funeral business. There doesn’t need to be.
At 6:30 AM Friday morning the funeral home doors opened. This was the situation at 6:15.
This book sold out within the first hour:
Our “Two Funerals for the Price of One” was awarded to the first 15 customers in the arrangement room. Edna, Mary, Shirley, Evelyn and Ruth wait patiently to cash in on this special sale.
A melee broke out over our limited number of 80% off Funeral Director Lego set:
As their wives wait in anticipation, Joe Schilling and Tom Johnson fought over a half-price casket:
The Barbie play set was sold out in 10 minutes.
Finally, Adam Sweaty camped out in front of the funeral home for five days to be the first in line for this beautiful discounted Ford Mustang Hearse.