Caption This

Caption This: Creepy Funeral Stock Photo

10 months ago
by Caleb Wilde in ,

Stock photos are like the McDonald’s food of the photography world.  They exist as fake substitutions that look like perfect representations of something nutritious.  Sure, they look like real life.  Sure, everybody is posing perfectly.  Sure, they all look handsome and pretty and happy.  But, they are just representations of something real.

Well, most stock photos.  Many stock photos get very close to what they are attempting to represent.  Take, for instance the photo below:

The iStockphoto caption for this photo is “mourning woman.”

The caption aptly describes the above photo.

But then iStockphoto gives us this beauty with this caption:

A woman mourning over the death of a man at a funeral home.

What?  A woman mourning?

Is that a mourning face? Did the photographer ask the model, “Give me your ‘its-so-sad-all-I-can-do-is-smile’ face!”  Maybe the model is a psychopathic sadist who associates death and dying with pleasure?

If that’s a mourning face, I’d love to see her happy face.

Maybe … she … is … a …. necrophiliac?

Maybe the photographer said, “Give me your necrophiliac face.”

And she heard, “Give my your silly act face.”

Maybe she just likes touching dead people?

Any way you slice it, this is perhaps the biggest stock photo fail EVER.

And it needs you to provide it with a caption … because the one it currently has just doesn’t work.

Caption This: Creepy Hearse Show

1 year ago
by Caleb Wilde in

I don’t know what’s scarier, a grown man painted with a joker face and driving a casket kart, or the dozens of people behind him chillin in old hearses?

What is this event?  Is it a hearse show?  Who would show up to such a car show?  Besides the joker, maybe some emos, a couple goths and … I honestly haven’t a clue as to who’d want to be here.   None of these guys, gals and kids look like funeral directors.

Maybe they are wannabe funeral directors?  I can’t imagine that such a segment of the population exists.  It’s not like we’re athletes or celebrities.  We bury the dead … nothing glamours at all.  And, it’s not hard to BE a funeral director … three to four years of school. Those guys are truly a sorry bunch if they’re wannabes.

Maybe it’s a horse show and some rednecks misheard “horse” as “hearse”?

“Hey’a Billy.  Ya bringin that ol harse of yours to da show?”

“Harse?  Why da hell dey havin a harse show?”

“Dy shoin off dy harses and whoever has da best one gets a grand.”

“That’s like a year supply of beer.”

“Yup.  You’d better wax that der harse up nice and clean dat deer carcus out da back.”

And doesn’t it creep you out that there’s a kid just chillin in the back of a hearse?  If you notice, there’s three kids in the background of this photo.  The two boys seems to be jealously looking at the girl with the balloon … almost like they’ve never seen one before … maybe their parents only give them dead, popped balloons?  Or maybe they’ve never seen the color pink before?

I don’t know and I don’t think I want to know.

Caption This

1 year ago
by Caleb Wilde in ,

It was late in the day and Nicki had just bought me some coffee from Dunkin’s Donuts to pacify the hardships of a day of funerals.  She brought Jeremiah into the funeral home where my dad (on the left), my grandfather (in the middle) and me were all in the office tying off the loose ends of the day.

Nicki gave Jeremiah to my grandfather and I gave my cell phone camera to Nicki so that she could capture four generations of Wildes.

As you know, our business is a family business that’s spanned six generations.  Jeremiah — if he chooses — would become the seventh generation.

My grandfather is speaking some words to Jeremiah.  Let’s imagine that those words are intended to manipulate Jeremiah at a young age to become a funeral director.  What could he possibly be saying?

Here’s a couple of my attempts:

“If you become a funeral director, I’ll buy you a diamond studded pacifier.”

“The morgue is beckoning.  Answer the call.”

“You like the Mercedes I drive?  I’ll see if they can’t make one for an infant.”

“I’ll buy you all the toys you want, if you’ll scribble on this contract that obligates you to fulfill your generational duty.”

“Dead people are much less scary than your father.”

“There’s nothing like hide-and-go seek in a casket room.”

“Your last name is synonymous with ‘funeral director.  You have no choice.’”

“I will buy you a breast that produces ice cream.”

Your turn … CAPTION THIS.

Caption This

1 year ago
by Caleb Wilde in

There’s so many different angles of weirdness to this photo.

First off, I’m assuming there’s no body in that wicker coffin.

And the reason I’m assuming that there’s no body in the coffin is because funeral directors MUST NEVER smile when driving a hearse … or a hearse-bike for that matter.  It’s a part of our religion and very much frowned upon.  Seriously.  It’s the commandment that comes after FUNERAL DIRECTORS MUST ALWAYS WEAR BLACK (a commandment that he’s still adhering to … thankfully).

If there’s a body in the wicker casket, I’m finding this smiley, Joel Osteen heretic guy and physically kicking him out of the Fraternal Order of Undertakers.

AND, who in the world would want a hearse-bike to carry their casket?  This is America.  This is the place of massive cars.  Of expensive machines.  Of Cadillacs.  Of Lincolns.  A bike?  Really?  What is this … France? I bet he’s so liberal he votes for Ralph Nader.

And, is the lady dressed in green in the background of the photo a pot pixie?  “Created by God.  Condemned and abused my man.” There’s a lot of eco-theology packed into that little statement.  But that doesn’t concern me.  No, I’m still upset about the smiling undertaker.

What concerns me is the small little number at the rear wheel of the hearse-bike thingy.  Can you find it?

Is that number representative of his racing number?  Is this a race?  Is that creepy, soon to be ex-funeral director guy in a suit racing the hearse-bike?  Wrong.  So.  Wrong.

And finally, what are those two kids doing sitting on the sidewalk in their pajamas?

This picture produces more questions than answers, which is why it needs your caption.

Caption This

1 year ago
by Caleb Wilde in

A preface: the vehicle being hoisted onto the tow truck is a hearse.  I’m sure it’s not an American hearse, and being that “The Clerks” storefront to the right of the photo is written in English, I’m going to assume this is across the pond in Great Britain.

I really hope this picture is from an outtake to a movie because if this is real, I’ve lost my faith in humanity.

Furthermore, if this is real I’ve lost faith in the goodness of the Creator. How could he create people so stupid?  Maybe God enjoys watching our stupidity.  Maybe it’s a never ending source of humor for the heavens. A running divine sitcom.

But this.  THIS.

I don’t even know where to start?  Did the funeral director default on his hearse payments?

Was the hearse illegally parked?

Did the hearse itself die?

Couldn’t you still place the coffin in the back of the hearse and have the tow truck cart the hearse and coffin to the cemetery?

WHAT is going through that funeral director’s mind (who, BTW, is probably the guy in front of the coffin with his hands clenched together)?

WHAT is the tow truck driver thinking?  Maybe the deceased is his ex-lover? Maybe he knows the family of the deceased and he’s playing a practical, and very poorly timed, joke?

I need your help with this one.  And I need your caption.

Special thanks to Ken Hagerman for forwarding this photo to me.

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