(If you’re having trouble seeing a picture, click it and it will enlarge.)

As we’re moving away from an agrarian culture, parents and children alike are becoming more and more unfamiliar with death.  We no longer live with our grandparents and watch as they go through the last phases of life.  We no longer have numerous animals that can provide that vital teaching moment for children about the circle of life.

And — alas — despite the internet rumblings, there is no such thing as a “Funeral Director LEGO play set.”

Since few of us live on farms and few of us live in the company of multiple generations, we need new teaching moments where we can teach our children about the circle of life.

Here’s some possible (humorous) teaching moments and some appropriate teaching moment explanations from our modern day experiences:

1.)  The death of VHS for DVD, or DVD for Blue-Ray: “Son, it’s time to recycle the VCR.  The plastic and metal will go back to their makers and will be formed into something new and better.”

2.)  The death of an old computer: “It was struggling … it was just for the best.  It could barely even process a word document.  It was time for it to go to a better place, where it will find rest from it’s struggles.

3.)  If You Use the Old Parts from the Dead Computer: “Now sometimes when people die, they decide to give their good parts to people who can uses them.  Just like this Dead Computer donated it’s DVD drive to our new computer, so some people like to donate their organs — like their eyes, heart, kidney and skin — to other people who can uses them.”

4.)  Upgrading a TV: “Do you see how the old TV is replaced by the new TV?  When we die we’ll turn in our old rabbit ears body and we’ll get a clearer view and more channels because we’re be plugged into a better network!”

5.)  Changing Gaming Systems: “Son, remember how hard it was to get rid of the PS2?  And how difficult it was to accept the NEW games of the PS3 … how unfamiliar it was?  But now, what do you like better: the PS2 or the PS3?  See how that works.  We get used to this world and we might be scared of the next world, but once we get to the new world we’ll never want to go back!”

6.)  Cell phones trade-ins: “Can you see ‘the network’?  No, but you know it’s there!  Do you understand ‘the network?’  No, but you believe it exists.  You’re like a cell phone that’s connected.  You might not know how, but someday your outer shell will die, but your soul … just like your SIM card … is still living and connected and will get a new better body!”

7.) Upgrading to a new Windows Platform: “Son, God is not like Microsoft.  Microsoft tried to tell us that the new ‘Vista’ was the best yet, but it sucked.  When God gives us a new body, it will actually work better than the one we have now.  And, when God says, ‘To the Cloud’ it too will have a whole different meaning.”  Which causes me to think, “Maybe I should switch to Mac so that I have better tech analogies for my children … hmmm”

There are some of my “teaching movements” through dead tech examples … you have any?

The funeral industry discovered the internet like a year ago and we’re still struggling to find innovative ways to apply it to our customer base.

While embroidery has been around for like ever, we just started embroidering caskets about five years.  So, we are now pleased to offer caskets such as this:

In case you couldn’t tell, those beautifully designed flowers are in fact roses.  We’re still working on a better depiction of the rose, but you get the idea ….

Over the past week, nothing has divided America like this soundbite from Chick-Fil-A President Dan Cathy:

“We are very much supportive of the family—the biblical definition of the family unit,” Cathy told the Baptist Press. “We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that.”

It seems everybody has weighed in on Cathy’s words.  Mike Huckabee and Billy Graham organized a Chick-Fil-A “Appreciation Day” where numerous conservatives rallied in support of the chicken sandwich by purchasing Chick-Fil-A fast food.  While the LGBTQ community counterprotested with a “Kiss In”.

Twitter, Facebook has been abuzz with people taking sides.  Everybody has had something to say … everybody except the funeral industry.

Times are changing.  Instead of us being 50 years behind, today, I’m proud to say that we’re only about a week behind with the release of the “Cathy Casket”.  Pick your position in support of the traditional family by purchasing a beautiful metal casket embroidered with the emblem of your conservative values.  Who says you can’t take your favorite family values, fast food restaurant logo with you?

This casket comes in sizes “Medium”, “Large” and — for those who support conservative values on a daily basis — “Super Size”.

If you are member of the LGBTQ community, the funeral industry is proud to introduce to you the “NOH8 Casket”.  While the beautiful metal casket below is displayed in white, you can rest in peace knowing that this lovely piece of artwork comes in every color of the rainbow.  You’ve fought hard for your identity, so why shouldn’t you bring that identity to your grave in the “NOH8″?  The funeral industry is here to serve everyone, so stand against the bullies like Dan Cathy and vote with your casket.  Remember: A traditional funeral doesn’t equal traditional values.

And in other news, we landed on Mars this morning.  Wait with bated breath as the funeral industry develops a response to that epic accomplishment through a wonderful new Mars themed urn.  Coming to a local funeral home near you.

Well, most stock photos.  Many stock photos get very close to what they are attempting to represent.  Take, for instance the photo below:

The iStockphoto caption for this photo is “mourning woman.”

The caption aptly describes the above photo.

But then iStockphoto gives us this beauty with this caption:

A woman mourning over the death of a man at a funeral home.

What?  A woman mourning?

Is that a mourning face? Did the photographer ask the model, “Give me your ‘its-so-sad-all-I-can-do-is-smile’ face!”  Maybe the model is a psychopathic sadist who associates death and dying with pleasure?

If that’s a mourning face, I’d love to see her happy face.

Maybe … she … is … a …. necrophiliac?

Maybe the photographer said, “Give me your necrophiliac face.”

And she heard, “Give my your silly act face.”

Maybe she just likes touching dead people?

Any way you slice it, this is perhaps the biggest stock photo fail EVER.

And it needs you to provide it with a caption … because the one it currently has just doesn’t work.

I didn’t know the day existed.  And apparently — judging by my lack of appreciation cards, loving facebook messages and twitter shout-outs — nobody else realized that they were to take time out for their day to recognize their local funeral service person.

It’s okay, though.  I’m not hurt.  Really.  I don’t have feelings.  (Wipes tears from eyes)

While no “civilians” remembered how awesome we f.d.s are, one of my fellow funeral associates from New Jersey DID send me some love.  I met Angelia Ryan on a trip to the Mecca of the Funeral Industry: Batesville, Indiana.  She tagged me in the lovely diagram below, which shows the “Id” of the funeral directors mind.

Yes, we appear professional by repressing said “Id”.  And most of us use great professionalism to repress said “id”. But when the ego is pulled away, this pretty accurately represents what’s going on inside our brains.  I’m not trying to be mean … but, yeah, this is some of the stuff we think.

Even the great Sigmund Freud couldn’t have drawn this analysis up any better:

Last week on Leno — during his weekly “Headlines” segment — Jay picked up on a funeral director who was running an ad slogan called, “Let Me Urn Your Business.”

Here’s the segment if you wish to watch.

Leno comments that he doesn’t like funny airline pilots, funny doctors and funny funeral directors. Leno is right … when we’re working as funeral professionals, it’s not always good to be funny.

But, at this blog, I’m not working. So I feel the right to be as humorous as I wish.

And right now I’m thinking of some rather funny funeral slogans (only a few of which are original) :

1. We’ve Got the Dirt on Everyone … Eventually.

2. You Stab ‘Em and We Slab ‘Em.

3. We’re the Last Ones to Let You Down

4. Everyone’s Dying to See Us.

5. Highway’s End Body Shop

6. A Foot Deeper and A Dollar Cheaper

7. We Put the FUN in Funeral

8. Repeat Customers Get Half Off

9. Taking this Dead Serious for 100 Years

10. A Once in a Lifetime Service

Are there any you’d like to add to the list?

How many of you have actually seen this occur?

Death’s a pretty big mystery … but not as big as the mysteries I’m about to drop on your head.

2.  For instance, why can I only eat my cereal with milk?  When the milk carton is dried up, why can’t I just be like, “Here’s a nice can of V-8 Juice, I’ll pour that on my Frosted Flakes.”  Why does it HAVE to be milk?  I can mix my mashed potatoes with my string beans, but I’ll never put water on my Captain Crunch.

3.  How is it that every time I see Angelina Jolie on TV she looks thinner?  How thin can she get?  Will her body just vanish, leaving behind massive eyes and lips?  Angie, I think I speak for all of us: EAT MORE!!!  You were so much prettier when you wore flesh.

4.  Why does my coffee get cold and my iced soda get hot?

5.  When will humanity evolve to the place where it’s acceptable to pass flatulence in public?  We can drive our stinky cars in public — and

few people frown at our car’s exhaust — but human exhaust … that’s a no-no.

6.  Does your hair keep growing after you are dead?  I don’t know.  You’d think I’d know.  And that’s another mystery.  Why don’t I know?

7.  Why can’t I be black?  If the difference between a black dude and a white dude is the amount of melanin in our skin, why can’t a white guy take melanin pills?

Seriously, I think it’s a dermatologist inspired conspiracy to continue the prevalence of skin cancer among the whites.

8.  I have moles all over my body.  Like hundreds of moles.  Probably one per square inch.  And yet, there’s not one mole on my forehead.  Why is that?  Why don’t moles grow on foreheads?

9.  Am I the only person who knows that Mitt Romney is an extraterrestrial?

10.  If you read my blog, why haven’t you liked my facebook page?  You can solve that mystery by clicking here.

What is this event?  Is it a hearse show?  Who would show up to such a car show?  Besides the joker, maybe some emos, a couple goths and … I honestly haven’t a clue as to who’d want to be here.   None of these guys, gals and kids look like funeral directors.

Maybe they are wannabe funeral directors?  I can’t imagine that such a segment of the population exists.  It’s not like we’re athletes or celebrities.  We bury the dead … nothing glamours at all.  And, it’s not hard to BE a funeral director … three to four years of school. Those guys are truly a sorry bunch if they’re wannabes.

Maybe it’s a horse show and some rednecks misheard “horse” as “hearse”?

“Hey’a Billy.  Ya bringin that ol harse of yours to da show?”

“Harse?  Why da hell dey havin a harse show?”

“Dy shoin off dy harses and whoever has da best one gets a grand.”

“That’s like a year supply of beer.”

“Yup.  You’d better wax that der harse up nice and clean dat deer carcus out da back.”

And doesn’t it creep you out that there’s a kid just chillin in the back of a hearse?  If you notice, there’s three kids in the background of this photo.  The two boys seems to be jealously looking at the girl with the balloon … almost like they’ve never seen one before … maybe their parents only give them dead, popped balloons?  Or maybe they’ve never seen the color pink before?

I don’t know and I don’t think I want to know.

Nicki gave Jeremiah to my grandfather and I gave my cell phone camera to Nicki so that she could capture four generations of Wildes.

As you know, our business is a family business that’s spanned six generations.  Jeremiah — if he chooses — would become the seventh generation.

My grandfather is speaking some words to Jeremiah.  Let’s imagine that those words are intended to manipulate Jeremiah at a young age to become a funeral director.  What could he possibly be saying?

Here’s a couple of my attempts:

“If you become a funeral director, I’ll buy you a diamond studded pacifier.”

“The morgue is beckoning.  Answer the call.”

“You like the Mercedes I drive?  I’ll see if they can’t make one for an infant.”

“I’ll buy you all the toys you want, if you’ll scribble on this contract that obligates you to fulfill your generational duty.”

“Dead people are much less scary than your father.”

“There’s nothing like hide-and-go seek in a casket room.”

“Your last name is synonymous with ‘funeral director.  You have no choice.’”

“I will buy you a breast that produces ice cream.”

Your turn … CAPTION THIS.