CONFESSIONS OF A FUNERAL DIRECTOR » Satire on UnGrace

Reflecting on My Response to Mark Driscoll

Caleb Wilde — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:46:14 +0000

About a week ago, the Mars Hill Seattle PR guy visited my website. What he saw in my post “Mark Driscoll’s Top Ten Manliest Ways to Die” was apparently a little too close to libel. So he tracked down my cell number, called me and left a pleasant voice mail.

Knowing that Mars Hills is apt to take legal action … like when they sent a “Cease and Desist” letter to a “Mars Hill Church” in Sacramento claiming copyright infringement (they did eventually back down when the public outcry hurt their PR).

So — remembering said legal action — I put this disclaimer up:

CONTENT DISCLAIMER: As per the direct advice of Mars Hill PR, I am to inform you that this post is fictitious and DOES NOT represent the views or opinions of Mark Driscoll. However, the content of this post is based off Caleb Wilde’s exaggerated interpretation of Mark’s recent radio interview with the British radio program “Unbelievable”.

Honestly, I pity Mark Driscoll’s PR guy.

He seems like a genuinely nice guy … a guy I’d gladly share a conversation and some coffee with, but I can’t think of a more difficult job?

I called Discovery Channel, talked to Mike Rowe and even Mike said this position is simply too messy to be featured on “Dirty Jobs.”

Ba-dum ching.

Humor aside, I’ve been reflecting on this small incident for the past couple days.

I first looked inwardly. Sarcasm is something that I’ve tried to work out of my personal life; but, not so much on my blog because sarcasm (can) allow for a creative way to discuss a heavy topic. And that was my intention.

But am I responding in the same spirit as Mark himself? Was my post an immature attempt to bully a bully? Have I done with Mark Driscoll the same thing I’ve done before with Westboro Baptist Church — disliked him to the place where I dehumanize and essentially become like him?

Secondly, I thought about the whole legality of it. Was it REALLY libel?

All that somehow led me to think about literary genre distinctions, and how understanding or misunderstanding the boundaries of literary genre types can either lead to great communication or distasteful miscommunication … especially as it relates to sarcasm.

We’ve been VERY busy at the funeral home and I’ve had little time to process ANYTHING, so that whole inward -> legal -> genre boundaries has taken nearly a week to think through. And, honestly, my thoughts still aren’t tightly organized.

BUT THIS IS THE THOUGHT I’VE SETTLED ON: My post was so over the top misogynistic, homophobic and egotistical that it probably says something about Driscoll himself that Driscoll’s PR director would want me to add a content disclaimer.

In other words, was my post so believably Driscoll that I really had to preface it as non-Driscoll? Judging by the reaction of Driscoll’s PR guy, I suppose the answer is “yes.”

And its not only sad that Driscoll is what I thought he was, but it’s equally as sad that I stooped down to become like him.

Read my post yourself (“Mark Driscoll’s Top Ten Manliest Ways to Die“) and let me know what you think.

*****

To catch up on the waves Driscoll’s been making, here are some links:

Dr. David Fitch wrote a piece entitled, “The Mark Driscoll Fiasco: What this Latest Flap Teaches Us About the Neo-Reformed Movement.” Per usual, Fitch’s insights are well worth your time.

“Cognitive Discopants” documented and commented on the major points of the Driscoll’s “Unbelievable” interview that has caused much of the uproar. The post is called “Driscoll & Brierley on Women in Leadership.”

Finally, Matthew Paul Turner has put his name on Mars Hill’s “Top Ten Most Hated List” with his expose of Driscoll’s nearly suffocating church discipline tactics. Here’s Part 1 and Part 2.

Vetting New Believers Before They Can Call Themselves “Christian”

Caleb Wilde — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 11:10:00 +0000

It’s the political season for vetting. And I think there’s something Christians could learn from this process. I mean, could you imagine all the media hate we’d bypass if we had better vetted Fred Phelps and all those crazies who started the Crusades?

Political parties vet their representatives and we as Christians are the representatives of the Kingdom of God, so why don’t we do the same? We do, actually. We do it bunches. Especially after church.

So let’s find a way to do it in church. We’ve been smart enough to have ecumenical creeds for our doctrines, I suggest it’s high time we settle on a unified vetting process to save the Church from all loser, fail and stupid “Christians”.

In the spirit of Jesus’ Public Relations and for the furtherance of unity in the body of Christ, I thought I would attempt to make an Ecumenical Vetting Process to determine WHEN new believers can go public with their Christian.

1.) In order to call yourself a Christian in Western civilization you must be able to update your Facebook status with proper grammar and decent syntax. He doesn’t want you making Him look dumb.

If you don’t have the MDiv., you propably shouldn’t speak publicly about your interpretation of scripture. Jesus invites you to less important tasks in the church like ushering, organizing potlucks, leading youth group and / or leading worship.

2.) In order to call yourself a Christian, you MUST have a firm grasp on ALL verbiage that is considered “politically correct.” Remember W.W.J.D. and W.W.N.P.S. (What would Nancy Pelosi say).

3.) You MUST be somewhat attractive. Jesus isn’t sold on the “Attraction Model” of church growth, but he does like his people to be well groomed and as handsome and/or pretty and/or metro as they possibly can be. The Sampson look was so B.C. Think Mitt Romney.

4.) You CANNOT be the author of cheesy music, be the artist of horrible art, be the poet of sappy “Christian” poems or have any type of cheesiness. Jesus likes cheese with His wine, but he doesn’t like cheesy with his Christians.

5.) You must be a VERBAL pacifist. Now, secretly, we all know Jesus likes to throw it down now and again, but you can’t let the world know this. No warmongering, hate speech allowed.

6.) You must live an ENTIRELY morally pure life as defined by everybody else’s standards. That’s right. Not only does Jesus want you to live by HIS standards, he also wants you to live by EVERYBODY else’s as well. Sound impossible? If it does, maybe you’re not cut for the esteemed title of “Christian.”

7.) Finally, if you’re going to call yourself a Christian, you should NOT watch, listen or like Lady Gaga. Jesus used to like weird outcasts, but he’s gotten over them and now prefers the in crowd of normal people.

If you do all of the above, Jesus will let you call yourself a “Christian.”

Maybe if we get enough people who can pass this vetting, we can redeem the name “Christian” and rid ourselves of the monikers of being “dumb”, “uneducated”, “ungracious”, “ugly”, “cheesy”, “uncreative” and “hypocritical.” You know, we’ll be perfect … just like the 12 disciples.

Finally, you can bypass the whole vetting process if you simply decide to give loads of money to the Republican Party.

*****

Being that this is an ecumenical vetting process, I’m sure my point of view doesn’t capture the entire picture.

What did I miss?

12 Things Rob Bell Could Do to Garner More Hate from the Church

Caleb Wilde — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 14:05:19 +0000

The other day I heard a Christian making fun of Rob Bell by calling him gay (and, mind you, this wasn’t the first time I’ve heard this). This is wrong on so many levels, so I decided to write a sarcastic post on how Rob Bell could have us hate him more.

He could act more gay. Christians are homophobic … they love to push, shove and bully people they see as less manly; so any added gaynnerism exhibited by Mr. Bell would give a good 10 hate points.
Rob could love Jesus more than the Gospel. Christians love the Gospel more than Jesus … the Roman’s Road, the Four Spiritual Laws, the TULIP and the Gospel of the Ten Commandments. It’s always a major disappointment when some young guy comes along who likes Jesus more than the Roman Road. 15 hate points for hating the Gospel.
He could be successful in reaching young people. Christian young people need to act like Christian old people, think like old people and seek to please old people. 20 hate points awarded to Mr. Rob Bell for trying and actually reaching young people without being like an old person.
Be more successful. Only God should be successful. 100 hate points.
Christians love people who don’t do their homework … like scholars who call a book heretical before they’ve read the book. Rob is actually a smart, well-spoken Christian who does his homework and attempts to love Jesus with his mind. 5 hate points for having smarts.
Martin Luther represents what Christians like: he was hot-headed, often rash and could feed humble pie to his critics with his mad rhetoric skillz. Rob Bell, on the other hand, has been kind towards his critics, hasn’t acted rashly and has willingly listened to his critics, allowing himself to be humbled by their suggestions. Bad on you, Mr. Bell for not acting like Martin Luther and Jesus! And if you do it again, you’ll get 25 hate points!
Did I mention he dresses like he’s gay? 99 hate points!
He’s kind of distanced himself from the emergent village, et al. So, go and sleep with some of those guys, Rob and then people could call you “postmodern” and actually mean it. 25 hate points for being moderate.
Love Wins. Who wants love to win? Seriously, Rob … we Christians want people to go to hell … it really makes us feel good to know we’re “in” and the others are “out.” We need people to go to hell so we can feel good about ourselves. Hate Wins would have been much more appropriate. If you write “Love Wins 2″, you will get 200 hate points for fail lovie-dovie title redux.
He could change his name to Robert Bobert Belius (Rebbelius for short). 6 letters, 6 letters and 6 letters or 666. If you want more hate, change your name. Infinity hate points.
He could question thousands of years of Christian doctrine instead of just questioning the last 100 years of evangelical theology. Question long standing Creeds, in the company of other reformers: extra jewel in heaven. Questioning evangelical theology: deserving of hell.
He could address the culture (and maybe be influenced by it). The Church has never done this. Seriously, none of the church fathers addressed and were influenced by Hellenism; Augustine never addressed or was influenced by Platonism. The early American Christians never thought about the Enlightenment. Evangelicals didn’t give a toot about modernity. In hell next to Origen and Hitler because you addressed the culture and may have been influenced by it.

Hate is what we do to people we disagree with … we’re Christians … we love to hate … we especially love to hate our own.

*****

Did I miss anything? What else could Robert Bobert Belius do to have us hate on him a little more?

The Lost Videos of Jesus

Caleb Wilde — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 15:55:13 +0000

Although there may be some confusion, this picture is not Jesus ... it's Charlie Sheen.

These videos were discovered some fifty years ago and this past week have been verified as authentic video of Jesus Christ by both scholars, archeologists and very old Albanian Nuns who actually witnessed the filming of these outtakes some 2,000 years ago. Believe it or not, as you will find from this video, Jesus is white and he does speak English … two truths that the “liberals” among us are prone to question.

Some of you may find this videographic representation of Jesus fit’s perfectly with your view of Him. Others may be slightly disappointed with the lack of “pizazz” and “presence”. No matter what you’re reaction, know that this video PROVES all the unbelievers wrong.

My First Move as Jesus’ PR Director

Caleb Wilde — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 14:25:47 +0000

Remove the Book of Revelation from the Bible.

That’s it.

Special thanks to the company of Andrew, Jessica and Liz for providing the atmosphere for this idea to incubate and hatch.

Our studies show that this move will effectively silence more than half of the weird people in the church. We were thinking about simply removing the Bible from the hands of the common Christian, but — realizing that would be too extreme — decided that the simple removal of the the most confusing and controversial book of the Bible would cut out half of our problems at a fraction of the Bible removal.

If this PR move proves ineffective, we may decide to remove the Old Testament as well since it provides the justification for occasional Holy Wars, harsh views of God and various other precedents for Christians to act un-Christlike.

The floors yours. Questions? Concerns?

—————————————————————–

We had a great discussion last night at seminary about how we as Christians approach the dirty parts of our history, such as the crusades, and the weirder segments of the church, such as those who think they’ve got the end times figured out and guys like Benny Hinn; or the ungracious segments that like to represent the “judgment of God.”

What are your feelings and/or answers when someone asks you, “How can you call yourself a Christian when Christians can be so weird and harsh and have some major historical blemishes?”

St. Augustine said, “The Church is a whore but she’s also my mother.” Do you agree?

Westboro Baptist Websites Taken Over by Hacktivists

Caleb Wilde — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 15:43:04 +0000

They’ve picketed Michael Jackson’s funeral, called Obama the “anti-Christ”, protested many of the recent funerals for fallen American soldiers, they’ve protested the Holocaust Museum because it “memorializes the godless Jews”, and they’re regulars at homosexual’s funerals. I almost forgot to mention that they believed 9/11 was part of God’s judgment on America and they protested the funerals of those who parished in 9/11.

Unless you’re a regular to the Westboro Baptist websites, which include www.godhatesamerica.com, www.yourpastorsawhore.com, www.godhatesfags.com, www.americaisdoomed.com, www.priestsrapeboys.com, www.jewskilledjesus.com, www.beastobama.com and, my personal favorite, www.godhatestheworld.com, you might not have noticed that their websites are down.

So, if you want to be brought up to speed, you can watch the actual live, on air video where the “hacktivist” group Anonymous are talking with Westboro Baptist Pastor Fred Phelp’s wife. It’s kind of funny and kind of depressing. And, it’s kind of long, but kind of worth the 10 minute investment …. Or, if you want to skip the video, you can look at Westboro Baptist’s response letter to Anonymous, which I posted below the video.

I love me some bold print!

Anybody have a clear enough mind to offer some insightful thoughts on Westboro Baptist, Anonymous and this whole situation?