Caleb Wilde
(218 comments, 980 posts)
Posts by Caleb Wilde
Stupid “You’re going to die” Joke
Millie accompanied her husband Maurice to the doctor’s office. After he had given Maurice a full checkup, the doctor called Millie into his office alone. The doctor said, “Maurice is suffering from a serious disease brought on by extreme stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will die:
Each morning, wake him up gently with a big kiss, then fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all time and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his favorite meals and allow him to relax after eating. Don’t burden him with any chores, and don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Don’t argue with him, even if he criticizes you or makes fun of you. Try to relax him in the evening by giving him massages. Encourage him to watch all the sports he can on TV, even if it means missing your favorite programs. and most important, every evening after dinner do whatever it takes to satisfy his every whim.”
“If you can do all of this, every day, for the next six months, I think Maurice will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, Maurice asked Millie: “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die.”
Stupid Reincarnation Joke
Fred and Clyde had had many conversations over the years about the afterlife. They agreed that whoever died first would try to contact the other and tell him what heaven was like.
Fred was the first to pass on. A year went by. One day the phone rang, and when Clyde answered, it was Fred!
“Is that really you, Fred?” he asked.
“You bet, Clyde. It’s really me.”
“Great to hear from you! I thought you’d forgotten. So tell me! What’s it like there?”
“Well, you won’t believe this, Clyde. It’s absolutely wonderful! We’ve got the most delicious veggies from the lushest fields you have ever seen. We get to sleep in every morning, have a fabulous breakfast, and then make love the rest of the morning. After a nutritious lunch, we go out in the fields and make love some more. Then it’s time for a gourmet dinner and some more lovemaking until bedtime.”
“Omigod!” said Clyde. “Heaven sounds fabulous!”
“Heaven?” said Fred. “I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”
From the book, “Heidegger and a Hippo Walk Through Those Pearly Gates: Using Philosophy (and Jokes!) to Explore Life, Death, the Afterlife, and Everything in Between”
