Caleb Wilde

STORY NUMBER 1: FUNERAL FIGHT

A fight broke out during a funeral at a Phoenix church after a friend of the departed punched a man who had reportedly been fighting with the deceased before he died.

Phoenix police said the fight broke out Friday afternoon at St. John’s Institutional Baptist Church, when the unidentified friend recognized the other man and punched him “in honor of the fallen.”

The Arizona Republic reported that many of the other people attending began fighting, but there were no injuries and no arrests when officers broke up the scuffle.

Phoenix TV station KSAZ said the fight involved up to 30 people.

STORY NUMBER 2: OBESE CORPSE CAUSES CREMATION BLAZE 

Concerns were made public after a crematorium in western Germany failed to control a fire which occurred during the funeral of a man who weighed 440 pounds.

After fighting the blaze for four hours, firemen determined the temperature of the furnace reached some 600 degrees celsius causing damage to the crematorium’s chimney.

Because obese bodies have a higher fat content, they burn for longer reaching temperatures that current crematorium facilities find difficult to control, revealed a German website.

In a bid to tackle this growing problem, crematoriums in the country have been adjusting their equipment to compete in what has become a fierce marketplace there.

STORY NUMBER 3:  POT BROWNIES HOSPITALIZE UNSUSPECTING FUNERAL GOERS

Three senior citizens had to be hospitalized Saturday after being served brownies they didn’t realized were laced with marijuana.

The victims, who are all in their 70s and 80s, were attending a funeral in Huntington Beach, Calif. During the service, they each tried the pot brownies, which were passed around on a tray according to KTLA.com.

Soon after, the trio were admitted to a local hospital after complaining of “nausea, dizziness, and inability to stand unassisted.”

A police investigation revealed that the tray of ganja goodies had been brought as a tribute to the deceased who, according to the investigators, had used medical marijuana.

STORY NUMBER 4:  CROSS COUNTRY TRIP WITH DEAD GIRLFRIEND

Ray Tomlinson’s girlfriend died on a road trip from Arizona to Michigan. Believing he had 48 hours before he was legally required to report her death, he drove her decomposing corpse, along with his 93-year-old mother, the rest of the way home. He didn’t take her body to the hospital, he told the Detroit Free Press, because he “cared too much for her.”

Tomlinson, 62, told police that he believes that the woman, whose name has yet to be released because her family has still not been informed of her death, died somewhere in Oklahoma or Texas.

STORY NUMBER 5:  LEGS OF CORPSE CUT OFF TO FIT COFFIN

A GRAHAMSTOWN funeral parlour owner, who allegedly forced two undertakers to cut the legs off a body because  it would not fit into the coffin, is facing charges of mutilating a corpse.

The grisly details came to light when one of the undertakers, who has battled sleepless nights and nightmares after allegedly being ordered to cut the man’s legs off with an angle grinder, finally came clean.

Siyakubonga Funeral Services owner Ronel Mostert was arrested and appeared in the Grahamstown Magistrate’s Court recently after the body of Thamsanqa  Tshali was exhumed.

STORY NUMBER 6: SHAYNA SMITH CUTS THE CORPSE OF HER BOYFRIEND’S EX (IT’S COMPLICATED)

Shayna Smith

Look, we all deal with death in different ways. When someone important in your life passes there’s this huge emptiness inside and you don’t know what you’re gonna do with yourself. Even when it’s your WORST ENEMY.

Shayna Smith dealt with her grief over losing a rival by crashing the funeral and defiling that rival’s body. The deceased was the ex of Smith’s boyfriend and the police described their relationship as “frenemies.” Who needs actual enemies when you’ve got frenemies like this?

According to reports, the woman’s mother saw Smith with her hands in the casket. She walked over, probably not even imagining something so awful could be happening, and Smith bolted. That’s when she saw that the deceased’s make-up was smudged and her hair and FACE had been cut. Smith is now being charged with illegal dissection of a human body. Thanks for the head’s up that you need a permit to do an autopsy, coppers.