Caleb Wilde
(218 comments, 980 posts)
Posts by Caleb Wilde
My Visit to a Green Cemetery
A photo of Green Meadow in late summer.
There are only a few green cemeteries in the Eastern part of Pennsylvania, none of which are close to my funeral home’s location. Based solely on the information on their website, I decided to visit “Green Meadow” Cemetery some two hours away in Lehigh Valley. I called the “contact” number and soon heard a woman’s pleasant voice on the other end. “Hello”, she said cheerfully. As much as I was pleased to find such cheerfulness, I was also somewhat confused as I expected her to say, “Hello. Green Meadow Cemetery.” It seemed as though I had called someone’s home telephone number. I started, “Hi. My name is Caleb. Is Ed available?” “One minute”, she replied. Ed – the name attached to the website’s contact number — grabbed the phone and we chatted for 15 minutes about Green Meadow and the philosophy behind it. I explained that I was writing a small paper on green cemeteries for my post-grad class and we set a date for me to come up to Green Meadow and take a tour.
I arrived on time to find Ed already waiting. He was a young man in his seventies. I say “young” because it seemed Green Meadow was an inspiration for him that brought out the energy of youth. He explained that twelve years ago the Fountain Hill Cemetery (founded in 1872) had exhausted its perpetual care funding and – like many cemeteries – was on the brink of death.
The cemetery was unassociated with a church or organization and was simply a non-profit with no owner or director. Ed and a few others took it upon themselves to revive the dying cemetery and after 12 years of volunteer work the cemetery was just starting to stand on its own. Part of the revival of the old cemetery has been the inclusion of Green Meadow, which sits within the boundaries of Fountain Hill Cemetery on a half-acre of wildflowers, grasses and shrubs.
Through a mutual friend, Ed was introduced to Mark Harris, the author of a Green Burial standard entitled “Grave Matters: A Journey through the Modern Funeral Industry to a Way of Natural Burial.” After numerous conversations, Ed and the board at Fountain Hill partnered with Mark to create a philosophically sound green cemetery some four years ago. Ed said that “Mark remains the cemetery’s greatest proponent.” Mark writes in his book, “The modern funeral has become so entrenched, so routinized, in fact, that most families believe it’s all but required when death comes calling (Harris 2007; 47). Green Meadow cemetery calls into question the “all but required” traditional American funeral.
On a larger front, the green burial movement is interrelated with the natural death movement, home funerals and the natural birth movement as it underscores the desire to move away from the Promethean attempts of industrialized science and technology (Verhey 2011; 32 – 33). Paula Hendrick, who surveyed the natural death movement in America notes that “our focus on personal autonomy and self-development have made it very hard for us to accept the inevitability of death” (Albery and Wienrich 2000; 11). Michael Ignatieff writing for “The New Republic” echoes Hendrick when he states, “’Cultures that live by the values of self-realisation and self-mastery are not especially good at dying, at submitting to those experiences where freedom ends and biological fate begins. Why should they be? Their strong side is Promethean ambition: the defiance and transcendence of fate, the material and social limit. Their weak side is submitting to the inevitable” (Albery and Wienrich 2000; 12).
Indeed, buried beneath a full ten-acre American cemetery is enough wood to build forty houses, twenty thousand tons of concrete from the vaults, over nine-hundred tons of casket steel, and enough embalming fluid to fill a small swimming pool (Harris 2007; 38). The idea of natural burial accepts the inevitable that despite concrete, wood, steel, preservative agents and the idealized attempt at physical immortality, the body will eventually decompose back to dust. Natural burial will, per Mark Harris,
allow and even invite, the decay of one’s physical body … and return what remains to the very elements it sprang from, as directly and simply as possible. In their last, final act, the deceased … have taken care in death to give back to the earth some very small measure of the vast resources they drew from it in life, and in the process, perpetuate the cycles of nature, of growth and decay, of death and rebirth, that sustain all of us. (Harris 2007; 42).
Mark’s ideas are the heart behind the little cemetery “Green Meadows”, a place where one can “degrade naturally and rejoin the elements, to use what’s left of a life to regenerate new life, to return dust to dust” (http://www.greenmeadowpa.org/about-us/). As Ed and I walked through the snow covered cemetery – stamped with the snow tracks of deer and birds — Ed pointed out the various graves. He noted that the first prominent burial in Green Meadow spurred some media attention. Patrick B. Ytsma, a well known local bicyclist, was struck and killed while riding his bicycle. His decision to be buried in Green Meadow inspired a newspaper article featuring the cemetery as well as the donation of labor and supplies for the erection of the cemetery’s sign.
And yet despite Mark’s advocacy and the attention that Ytsma’s burial gained, the demand for green burial in the Lehigh Valley remains small with only an average of two burials per year. Ed – a generation ahead of his time – anticipates that the young generation that have been inspired by the larger green movement will slowly but surely begin to fill the beautiful little natural hillside that is Green Meadow. This, in many respects, is Ed’s heritage to the next generation and gift to a brighter, greener future.
15 Slogans for Death’s New PR Campaign
Death’s taken some heat lately … he’s taken James Gandolfini. Paul Bearer. Tom Clancy. And let’s be honest, Death is due all the criticism he gets. But, Death isn’t really that bad of a guy. He’s just a normal dude with a difficult job.
As an effort to vault Death’s public perception, Death is looking to create a slogan that the world’s public will buy into. A slogan that will help change the world’s perceptions.
Here are 15 slogans. You’re the first test group, so feel free to criticize or change any of the slogan’s you see; or add any slogans you can create.
1. “10 out of 10 human’s are doing it!”
2. “It’s natural. It’s good for the environment. It’s green. It’s death.”
3. “I felt great when it happened to me.*” — Elvis Presley.
*Individual results may vary.
4. “Taking care of business since the beginning of time!”
5. “Death: It eases all your pain.”
6. “만나서 반갑습니다.*” — Kim Jong Il (right before he ordered Death to take him to his next kingdom.)
7. “Come on over to the light.”
8. “Death: I’m Your Heavenly chauffeur.*”
*Results may vary.
9. “If it wasn’t for Me, you’d never have bacon.”
10. “Be apart of something larger. Donate yourself back to the universe. Die.”
11. “10 out of 10 people who die lose weight.”
12. “Death: It will leave you breathless.”
13. “It really helped my political campaign.” — William Wallace.
14. “Without me, you’d still have Hitler, Stalin and bin Laden.”
15. “Death: Here for you in your darkest hour.”
****
Lend your creative genius to this effort and don’t let Death down … or he’ll let you down. Seriously, don’t make him
Holidays: The Days that Death Works Overtime
I was lucky this Christmas. I watched my one year old son rip into his Christmas presents unencumbered by work. In fact, this is the first year in the last five that I haven’t been called in for a holiday death call.
Today, though, is New Year’s Day. My family is home right now watching the parade on TV. We have two meals we’re supposed to attend later on in the day. But I’m here at work awaiting the two families that are coming in to arrange funerals for their loved ones who died last night.
When I’m home for the holidays there’s this gnawing fear that at any moment I’ll be called in. That at any moment Death will keep its schedule of inconvenience. It’s not that I dislike work. I am, by professional accounts, a workaholic. It’s the reactions I get when I break the news to my family. “Don’t go, Caleb”, says my wife, “find someone else to go.”
“Daddy, daddy, daddy” comes from my son. Today is supposed to be special. Instead, it’s a disappointment. A huge disappointment. It’s almost easier when I’m at work on the holidays. Once I’m at work, I can’t disappoint anyone. Once I’m at work, the expectations can’t go unmet. I’ve already failed.
And as much as I want to complain. As much as I want to make this all about me, I go to work, I see the grieving faces, I see the holidays that have been completely ruined, and I’m snapped out of my little perspective. Today, I’m writing the obituary for the married father of three young children. Cancer stole him from his kids. At least I get to go home to my son. This man’s three children will have a holiday that will ever haunt their memories.
I look into their empty faces. Faces that see no future. Only the present. And the present is full of confusion, darkness and pain. This is no holiday. This is no day for celebration.
Damn you Death. Seriously. It’s almost as though you work the hardest on holidays. That you save your best work for the special times of the year. The suicides. The night deaths. The tragic demises. It’s like you whisper in the ears of the dying, “Hold off. Just hold off a couple more weeks. The holidays are right around the corner. The holidays. Yes, the holidays! Die on the holidays!”
And they listen to your whispers. And the families who had plans to celebrate must now plan to mourn. And what is meant for rest … what is meant for life … becomes a time that creates unrest as it all accentuates what’s missing … or rather who’s missing … from the family table, from the celebrations.
Do you know how many families’ holidays you ruin each year? Do you enjoying having us huddled around the beds of the dying instead of the tables of celebration? Are you jealous of us and all the life and living we do around the holidays? Or, are you just trying to include yourself in our events? Well, we don’t want you. Stay away from us. Let us live and enjoy each other for this short little time of the year. Our lives are short. Stop reminding us of mortality during these times we are allowed to really live.
I’ve come to fear the holidays because of you. I fear the disappointed faces. The empty seats at the dinner tables.
And to the living. To those of you celebrating today. If you are unencumbered by Death today. If Death hasn’t touched your holiday, then celebrate. Embrace your loved ones and friends. Tell them you love them. Hold them. Smile. Enjoy the holidays. Because the day will come when Death will demand his inclusion. And you too may come to fear the holidays.
If Death has found a place at your holiday table, then rebel against him. Raise your fist to him. And show him that you can still live. That you can still love. That you can still smile. That you can still be thankful. Raise your glass to life and love. Make Death jealous and live.
“Man Up!”
The author of today’s guest post wishes to remain anonymous.
*****
“If you don’t ‘man-up’, you’ll never get a job in the funeral industry.”
These words will forever be replaying in my head, until my dying day.
As a mortuary science student, you must be prepared for many things: hard work, long study hours, and the occasional scoff from people who don’t understand why you would pursue a college major that is extremely morbid. But I was ready for all that. I wanted to be the voice of a generation, someone who is not afraid to talk about death.
Since the age of six, I knew I wanted to help those who have lost a loved one, by facilitating their needs at such a dark time in their lives. It will forever be my calling. I remember when my mom used to drive by the local family-owned funeral home and I would tell her “Soon mommy, I’ll be able to work there.” My mom would just smile at me and say “I know you will Mijo, just give it time.”
Fast forward and I am now a mortuary science student, knee deep in everything death. It was absolutely blissful when professors and students alike praised my passion for wanting to become a funeral service professional. I thought I finally had it all. But I was naïve because I didn’t understand funeral service politics: Family or Corporate?
Where I live, that is a huge decision one must make when looking for work. In my case, I was told to try everywhere. Dutifully, I polished up my resume and headed to every funeral home with positions listed in my campus’s Mortuary Science office. I thought I had this particular family-owned position in the bag: the HR ladies loved me, and they were shocked at my professionalism. Two weeks passed by, and I didn’t receive a call. I thought nothing of it, especially even when two classmates got hired at the same exact location, and I just thought to myself “maybe they had something I didn’t”.
That same week, I was at the local funeral director’s dinner, and I was so happy to go, I mean, food and networking? Sign me up. As suggested, I sat with complete strangers. There, I met managers, owners, and even one of my new best friends. “Don’t go to corporate young man”, they said, “Corporate doesn’t care about you. Family-owned is where it’s at. It’s where you’ll be respected.”
I kept in mind that some of these people sitting with me were saying this actually worked at family-owned establishments. Not one of them suggested a place I should inquire. After dinner, I was spotted by the HR ladies who interviewed me at the funeral home that didn’t call me back. She walked over to me, gave me a hug, and told me to meet her outside. Nervous, I walked outside and we walked to the edge of the street, outside everyone’s hearing radius.
Her: I wanted to apologize for us not hiring you. We were ready to hire you right then and there, but the manager said no. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I know you’re a passionate young man who really knows his stuff. I don’t mean to be rude, but are you gay?
I nodded.
Her: You see, the manager sees that as a liability, and he couldn’t take the risk. He even agreed that you were perfect for the position, except your mannerisms and the way you handle yourself is not what he thinks is fit for funeral service. Again, I know you’re just starting in school and everything is new to you, but take it from me, as one who has been in this business for a long time: If you don’t man-up, you’ll never get a job in the funeral industry.
I didn’t say anything in this exchange. I mean, what could I have said? I was trying so hard not to cry, yell, and even do the dramatic storm-off. It was not a dream, as I was wishing it was. This was real life. As I dismissed myself from the party, I called my partner and sad to say it, he agreed with her. I mention this due to the fact behind his reasoning: He works in an industry where being gay is equivalent to having the plague. He had been warning me that I would have to change myself in order to work in an industry like this.
I emailed my professors and asked them how I should proceed. Was this true? Do I need to change my mannerism in order to be taken seriously? Their shock of the situation was more than enough proof of why family-owned establishments never called me back.
The funeral home my mom used to drive by when I was a kid? An embalmer told me that I was sadly wasting my time because the owners are very homophobic. This was the owner who I used to look up to. It was like finding out Santa Claus was not real.
I journeyed on into corporate. I got hired rather quickly, but sadly, it just isn’t the same as I’d feel working for a family-owned establishment. But, I must be grateful that I at least got in the door. I saw that many people who were like me (gay and proud to be in funeral service) were welcoming, and told me that they’ve been through my heartache, and corporate is the home that welcomed them with open arms. My mentality is finally shifting to that viewpoint. I mean, what else is left when you’ve tried so hard to get noticed? I may have lost a fight, but I feel like I’m winning because I’m doing what I love.
21 Tips for Aspiring Funeral Directors
© 1909 The Library of Congress, Flickr | PD | via Wylio
Aspiring funeral directors (specifically, those who AREN’T coming from a family business) will often ask a variation of one of these three questions:
“Do you have any advice for those wanting to get into the funeral business?”
“Have any tips for funeral students trying to get an apprenticeship at a funeral home?”
“I just got my license. How do I land a job at a funeral home?”
Aside from the obvious advice, like, “Don’t make any jokes about necrophilia during your interview”, I feel it was best to crowd source advice from other professionals in funeral service. Over 150 replied. Some of the advice is similar, but each comes from a different perspective.
Here are 21 tips for aspiring first generation funeral directors from those who have made it.
“Do you have any advice for those wanting to get into the funeral business?”
1. From Kristen A.: My advice is … funeral services isn’t a “job”, it’s a calling. If you don’t have it in your heart you’ll never succeed.
2. From Jim S.: (If you have questions about the funeral industry) the worst thing to do is just “pop” in (to a funeral home) and ask to see anyone. The best course would either be to ask for an introduction from someone you know or make initial contact via e-mail. This is directly from my instructor as well, if you have questions (about the funeral industry), contact a school that offers the Mortuary classes, they have all the time in the world to talk.
2. From Heidi B.: Job shadow a funeral director for one week if you’re able and tour/talk to a mortuary school.
3. From Geoff C.: (Aspiring funeral directors) need to get their foot in the door (very hard) and try to experience as many aspects of the job as possible BEFORE going to mortuary school. They need to understand it’s not all about wearing nice suits and driving nice cars. I personally saw so many, in school, their first time in a prep room was at labs. They do their apprenticeship and get licensed and within a year, they leave the industry.
4. From Kyle S.: I was talked out of my career in high school when I approached a funeral director in my town for advice. She told me to basically go away and find another career because I would never get a job, not having relatives in the business. I regret listening to her…so my advice is: if you really want it, DO IT. There will always be a place for you, perhaps not in your town or state….but life is long and hard when there are regrets.
5. From Erica C.: Networking is a great tool. Knowing people at a removal service in a larger area is a good thing since they have contact with the majority of the funeral homes. Also, I did my apprenticeship at an embalming service and learned invaluable skills. As an embalmer you are much more marketable.
6.: From Shandel P.: Get a job (if you can’t get a job, then volunteer your weekends) at your local funeral home BEFORE you commit to going to mortuary school in hopes of making a career of being a funeral professional. I’ve had quite a few people I went to school with who quit when they started their internship (i.e. after they were done with Mort school) because they couldn’t deal.
7. From Tony G.: Be sure to get your Bachelors degree in something else. That way in five years, when you are married and have kids you don’t feel stuck. This business isn’t for everyone and if you find out its not for you, you have a back-up plan. That’s my personal advice, because I am not sure that if I had other options available to me that I would still be in funeral service. It’s changed so much and is so far away from why I started
“Have any tips for funeral students trying to get an apprenticeship at a funeral home?”
1. From Boyd C.: Be willing to relocate (especially for an apprenticeship).
2. From Ada O.: Write up a solid résumé and cover letter. Mail it to as many places as you can, and follow up in two weeks if you don’t hear from anybody. I did this for 15 funeral homes and finally got an apprenticeship.
3. From Cortney N.: There are internships out there! You just have to be proactive. I am not from a family of funeral directors, so I am a first generation. You will most likely have to relocate, there are head hunters out there as well who do assist in finding interns/ internships.
4. From Matthew S.: Personal Presentation is HUGE. Dress nice but don’t look like a hooker or pimp. Hide all crazy tattoos and piercings! (And you should probably shave your beard and cut your hair.)
5. From Boyd C.: Follow up. Call funeral homes and ask to just meet with a director to ask questions about the industry. Above all, just keep at it. Eventually a door will open.
6. From Anna K.: Yes, you will work A TON of hours your first year. But at what professional job you wouldn’t? Besides, if you love the job you won’t mind spending the time developing your skills and know that it won’t be a waste of time because those hours will pay off in the long run. There are good firms out there. Just be proactive and stay positive.
7. From Hannah K.: As an apprentice or new guy/gal everyone is your boss. You do not have a job description. Do your best to do whatever (in legal and moral boundries)it is you are asked to do.
“I just got my license. How do I land a job at a funeral home?”
1. Tony G.: Interview, interview, interview and interview. Don’t be desperate to find a funeral home. You will end up quitting and jumping from one frying pan to another. Don’t rush it. You will know when you find the right place.
2. From Kristin J.: I had no connections when I started. Talk to teachers, they are huge assets and can help put in words of recommendation. Post resumes on state board websites and nfda. Be open minded and it helps to be willing to relocate. Make sure its something you feel passionate about because its hard day in and day out. Supportive family is a must since hours are all over the place and you don’t get holidays or weekends.
3. From Dale C. Now that I am in the position of hiring people, the skills that folks learn at mortuary school are just a small part of what they need to know in order for me to even consider hiring them. Technology, computers, writing and speaking skills are an absolute must. Whether you are fresh from mortuary school or an experienced funeral director the following skills are an absolute requirement. (You can read more of Dale’s thoughts HERE.)
4. From Leslie S.: It’s easier in a bigger city that has corporately owned funeral homes. They tend to hire more workers.
5. From Ron M.: SCI (Dignity Funeral Homes) are always looking for new hires. I’m a former Location Manager (No License). I started as General Duties and learned as much as I could. Eventually that led to My Several Promotions.
6. Some real practical advice from Rose A.: Learn proper composure. Walk and talk in such a way as to lend dignity to your profession. Sharpen your listening skills. Don’t jingle your change or check your phone in view of funeral attendants. React with compassion, but do not speak in platitudes. Don’t say, “Good morning” or “good evening” when answering the door, say, “welcome”. Have tissues handy in your pocket. Don’t chew gum.
7. Rachel M.: Don’t get discouraged. It may seem difficult to find a job, but it is worth the wait. This is a very rewarding profession and you can’t stop before you start.
If you’ve made it this far, I’ve written three pieces that directly and indirectly answer those questions:
10 Burdens Funeral Directors Carry
Ten Reasons I’m a Funeral Director
So, You Wanna Be a Funeral Director?
