37 Reasons Your Grief Isn’t a Failure
Some events I’ll be speaking at …
Up until recently, I haven’t been open to speaking engagements, mainly because getting off work is a job all in itself. And I don’t like to fly … so there’s that.
But, with the addition of new staff at the funeral home, I’m a little more flexible. Anyways, here are some things on my calendar. If any of these events are applicable to you, I’d love to meet you … assuming I get up enough unction to step onto the plane (which I will because noise canceling headphone really help).
Sunday December 9th, 2018 11a.m. – 3p.m.
Only 75 tickets available
*Counts as Full Continuing Education Credits*
Please RSVP by Dec. 1st to firstname.lastname@example.org
This event is for Canadian funeral directors.
Thursday, February 7th at 7 PM
St. John’s Lutheran Church
7601 York Road, Towson, MD 21204
The event is free and all are welcome.
This event will be religious in nature.
Bernalillo, New Mexico
Friday, March 8, 2019
This event is for the New Mexico Funeral Service Association
It’s not our job to make tragedy a classroom. It’s our job to create a refuge.
A couple years ago, we were serving a young couple who had just lost their two-year-old son “John” to cancer. The day of John’s funeral came, attracting a number of his parent’s friends from both work and church who were there – not because they knew John (he had spent a good part of his life in the hospital) – but because they wanted to support his parents.
The viewing started, people began filing through the funeral home, and all of a sudden, I saw that John’s mother was missing from the receiving line. I looked around the funeral home and found her back in our office, crying. Without me asking what was wrong she blurted out, “I hate this. And I hate what people are telling me. This didn’t happen for a reason. God doesn’t have a plan in this. And thinking about John in heaven doesn’t make me feel any better. I want him here with me now.”
I didn’t have anything to say. So I waited in silence for her to say what she needed to say. I didn’t introject my own thoughts, many as they may be (I do have a grad degree in theology and a certification in thanatology). I didn’t diminish her feelings. Even though I felt slightly uncomfortable as a sounding board for her frustrations, I didn’t say anything. I did what I’ve learned to do over years of comforting grieving people: I allowed her space to say what she needed to say. I listened.
After she was done saying what she needed to say, she asked me, “Do you have some coffee?”
“I don’t, but if you tell me what you want I’ll go to Dunkin Donuts and get it for you.”
“Medium hot coffee with cream and four sugars.”
For various reasons, we like to use death as a classroom; one of life’s major learning experience that affords those who are experiencing it some valuable lessons. And death can be a classroom, but let’s be clear about one thing: you are NEVER the teacher. It’s not your job to interpret tragedy with platitudes like “this happened for a reason” and “God has a plan.” If anything, it’s our job to create a sanctuary, a refuge where those who are grieving can say what they need to say, do what they need to do, and know that no matter what, we are there for them, listening to them and loving them.
Sometimes, the bereaved use their grief as a platform. That is their right. If your son dies from gang violence and you make it your mission to do what you can, that’s your right to say what you need to say. If your daughter dies from an overdose, and you make it your mission to do what you can, that’s your right to do what you need to do. If your mom dies from cancer, and you make it your mission to do what you can, that’s your right. And I’ll respect it.
If your classmates die during a school shooting, and you make it your mission to do what you can, that’s your right. It’s your right to use your experience of grief as a platform, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Even if it makes others angry. Even if it’s a politically charged topic. And I’ll respect it because I’m not here to set up a classroom and tell you what you need to think, how you need to feel and what you need to do. I’m here to give you space to think what you need, feel how you want, and do what you need to do.
We provide the refuge for the grieving. We provide the space for them to say what they need to say. And we listen. Because if death is ever a classroom, the bereaved are the ones who have the right to teach.
I watched in horror as the details unfolded surrounding the school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida.
Seventeen students. Dead.
I can’t imagine the terror. I don’t want to imagine what the student body experienced during the six-minute shooting spree. And I hope that I never know the pain and horror of being a parent who suddenly loses their child to a school shooting.
On March 24th, 2018 some student leaders from Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School lead March for Our Lives, a student-led demonstration in support of tighter gun control.
Let me be clear: This is a legitimate expression of grief.
Let me also be clear: It’s not our job to tell these kids how they SHOULD be expressing their various expressions of grief.
It’s not our job to diminish their frustration and anger. It’s not our job to question their motives, poke fun at their supposed “liberal stupidity”, or threaten them in any shape or form.
Like the woman who was crying in my office, it might make the rest of us uncomfortable, we might have a lot of opinions about what they’re saying. But this is their time. And I’m going to give them refuge just like I do every week at the funeral home. I’m going to listen, just like I do every week at the funeral home. And if they want me to do something, I’ll hear them out, just like I do every week at my job.
If you have read my book, and you liked it, I’m kindly asking for some help
My book has been alive in the world for THREE WHOLE MONTHS!
Like a first time parent of a newborn child, I’ve been fraught with worry since it’s birth. I check on it all too often to make sure it’s still breathing. I’m constantly calling more experienced parents to ask all the questions:
Like the parents of a newborn, you might be tired of me posting photos of it ALL OVER THE INTERNET. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter … everywhere you turn there I am, the proud parent, holding my book child up like it’s the first book to ever be written.
It’s not. I know it’s not. But, for me? It’s my first. And I am proud of it.
I know it won’t live forever, but I’ve got to help it as long as it is. Most books don’t live but a couple years and then they die off into the nothingness of collecting dust on shelves around the world. I know that the dying process usually starts soon after the book’s release, and I’m doing my best to keep this one living as long as I can.
In that light, I’m asking a favor from you:
If you read my book, and you liked it, I’m kindly asking you to help me as I try to raise it to be a contributing citizen of the world.
HERE ARE SOME PRACTICAL WAYS YOU CAN HELP:
ONE: Word of mouth … that mystical, organic, grassroots foundation for the growth of any good product. If you liked it, share it on Facebook, or Instagram, or with your check-out line neighbor at your local Wal-Mart.
TWO: Introduce it to your group. Small groups at church, book clubs, Facebook groups, your local brony chapter. Groups are where books can take off. A friend of mine had his book rocket to a best-seller list just because a youth organization decided to endorse it. It’s the simple things that can go a long way. And you, my friend, no matter how small, or how large your group, can help good things grow because you are powerful.
THREE: Buy one for a family member or friend who you think might benefit from it.
FOUR: Leave a review! On Amazon, Goodreads, on the bathroom stall at McDonald’s. Positive, thoughtful reviews always help other potential buyers. For me, every time I buy a new scalpel for the prep room, I always check the Amazon reviews. Does it cut like promised? Is it ergonomic? Reviews help.
Thank you all!
Amazon is Discounting My Book (because apparently Black Friday is still a go at the Amazon HQ)
Amazon is discounting my book by two dollars, from $17.99 to the current price of $15.53. The discounted started on Black Friday and it’s still going as of Tuesday evening. I’m just a very small pawn on Jeff Bezo’s chess board, so I have no control over when these discounts come and go. If you were looking to buy a couple copies for a support group or for friends, or you were waiting for a cheap price (I’m frugal too), this is easily the cheapest option to date.
You can bounce over the book’s Amazon page by clicking HERE.
I’m on Rob Bell’s podcast this week. For those of you who don’t know Rob Bell, he used to have a show on Oprah’s network, and before he was working with Oprah, he was a rather progressive Pastor. He’s easily one of my favorite speakers. I actually flew out to his home studio in West Hollywood to do this interview.
If the Podcast plugin below doesn’t work for you, you can listen to our conversation HERE.