Author: Scary Side of Earth
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One.  When you go to pick up the deceased at their home and it’s more than obvious that he/she died during coitus, and you try really hard not to blurt out, “Well, looks like he went out on top.”

Two.  When a somebody dies on the third floor of an apartment building the very same day that the only elevator is “Closed for Repair.”  So you have to slowly move the deceased down each step while more than twenty people scooch past you on the stairs with a this-is-not-happening look on their faces.

Three.  When the deceased has genital jewelry and you have to ask the family if they want it back.  “So, mom has jewelry on some of her … lady parts.  Do you want that back?”

Four.  When the wife and the side-chick of the deceased show up to make funeral arrangements.  “Wait, so which one of you is his legal wife?”  And they both say, “I am.”

Five.  When the long lost son that nobody knew about shows up at the funeral and the widower demands a DNA test right then and there.

Six.  When the family wants great grandma dressed in a really revealing dress for her viewing.  “Just to be clear, it’s okay that grandma’s cleavage will be showing for her viewing?”

Seven.  When the family tells you they have no money for the funeral but they’re only willing to buy the very best casket and the very best vault because “Dad only gets the best”.  “Tell me again how you plan on paying for this?”  And when they respond, “Oh, we have a GoFundMe account” you have to remind them that GoFundMe accounts aren’t magical money trees, and neither will they provide enough to pay for that Mercedes-Benz of caskets.

Eight.  When the deceased wanted Eminem played at her viewing and all the older people are standing in the viewing line with a “what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks did I get myself into” look on their faces.

Nine. When the drunk friend of the deceased takes advantage of the “open mic” time during the funeral service and starts telling all the horror stories and you have to shut him down with a, “This was really fun, but it looks like your time is up my friend.”

Ten.  When the dead body farts during the preview and you take the blame because you know if you blamed it on the dead guy no one would ever believe you.

My book has gobs of stories about death and life.  Preorder today!



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