Today’s guest post is written by Dr. Candi K. Cann
Everyone seems to be online these days, and even if you are not on much, odds are that you have a Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr or Instagram account. With so much of our socializing done virtually, it is no surprise that we are grieving and mourning the deaths of our loved ones online too.
Here are a few Dos and Don’ts for grieving online.
• Don’t announce the death of someone online unless you are sure that the family, friends and anyone that should know about the death, knows already.
The most recent example of this was Wall Street Journal’s breaking news tweet on Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death. Both the death and the details of how he died were tweeted before his family was aware that he had died.
• Once everyone knows about the death, it is okay to post details about the funeral, wake, celebration of life ceremony online so that everyone knows, but please don’t create an Evite for it.
Evites are great for invitations — they are convenient and quick, but they shouldn’t be used in this case for three reasons:
1) They depend on the regular checking of email, and since funerals and memorials are generally held somewhat quickly, those invited may not get the email in time.
2) Evites sometimes land in the invitee’s junk folder, which means they won’t receive them, and funerals and memorials are meant to be open to anyone the deceased knew.
3) Evites are only for those that receive an invitation.
• If someone is posting a picture of themselves with the deceased, they are doing so to let you know they are grieving, so don’t write snarky comments on that picture.
Don’t do it. Just don’t. It isn’t the right time or place.
Yes, we know you were Tom’s last serious girlfriend before his marriage, and probably the reason he finally got his act together to be able to commit to his wife and have children, but that doesn’t mean you should post old love letters or pictures to his webpage. His wife and all the rest of his family just won’t find it appropriate, and it might make their grief worse.
And yes, your position as ex-girlfriend means that you have a right to grieve, and that there is really no place for you to do so, but you will need to stick to your group of girlfriends, or maybe on your own private social media. While the Internet is awesome for giving everyone a voice, sometimes we need to think about our audience.
• Don’t write negative things about the dead.
Yes, your neighbor was a jerk, but if you didn’t say it to his face before he died, then it’s too late now. If you did, then he already knows how you feel, and there’s just no point in making his family and friends feel worse.
• Along those lines, don’t say anything negative about the living posting about the dead.
Yes, we are all getting tired of Katie’s sappy (and badly written, I might add) poems that she keeps writing and posting to her deceased best friend’s page, but please don’t say anything. Remember the old adage — if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all? Well, remember it. Or at least, if you must say something that’s not nice, then say it to a close friend who has never met Katie. That way you can be sure Katie won’t find out.
And last, but not least, those funeral selfies.
• If you insist on taking a funeral selfie, try to keep the dead out of the pictures.
There’s a reason some people don’t go to wakes or funerals — they simply don’t know what to do with that open casket. Or maybe they want their last memory of Grandma to be a living one. If you must take a funeral selfie, please make sure there are no glimpses of Grandma in her casket. It’s bad enough we have to see pictures of your cute cat five times a day, we really don’t want to see your dead grandmother before we’ve even had our morning coffee.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Candi K. Cann received both her A.M. and Ph.D. in Comparative Religion from Harvard University, and her research focuses on death and dying, and the impact of remembering (and forgetting) in shaping how lives are recalled, remembered and celebrated. An avid reader, traveler, and lover of poetry, her passions are spending time with her family and friends and living well.
You can follow Candi on Twitter and pre-order her upcoming book, Virtual Afterlives: Grieving the Dead in the Twenty-First Century.
Today’s guest post is written by Patricia Fitchett.
The funeral home that I work for is a big proponent of personalization. We even have the word “Options” right in our title. I have found from working in the funeral business for over 13 years that no funeral is exactly the same as another. Even if you use the same location, or the same officiant or the same prayers or readings, each person who is being honored/memorialized is a huge influence on the proceedings.
The best comment we get to hear is “It was exactly what he or she would have wanted!” (except of course in those situations where the LAST thing he or she would have wanted was to be dead.) It is a real pleasure to be able to help families make choices that make the service for their family member special and unique. That being said, we are often called upon to be the “bad taste police”; pointing out when an idea may not have the intended effect.
Let me give you an example. We’ve all heard Sarah McLachlan’s “In The Arms Of The Angels” song on the commercial where sad shelter dogs with their piteous eyes beg for a loving home. The song is beautiful and haunting and I have had people request it at funerals. From the snippet that you hear in the commercial, it sounds like it would be the perfect choice. But if you look a little farther into the lyrics you find phrases like this one: “everywhere you turn, there’s vultures and thieves at your back, and the storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies that you make up for all that you lack”. Not really the heartwarming option that it seemed originally.
Another example is the song “Stairway To Heaven”. Although people of a certain age love this tune and it holds a special place in our hearts and minds, it is an exceedingly bad choice for a memorial service. Not only will your grandmother hate it, but she will hate it for about seven minutes (an eternity in “sitting in silence at a funeral while recorded music plays” time). The lyrics themselves do nothing to ameliorate the eternity spent listening to the uncut version and unless your loved one was actually killed by “finding a bustle in his or her hedgerow and becoming alarmed”, do not make this tune one of your options.
The funeral home that I work for is known for holding funeral services in places that are not a funeral home. For a lot of people it is their church. Some people don’t want a church at all, and we have been able to find several lovely options (most notably the KemperCenter) where people can be comfortable holding a memorable, elegant, personal service.
Some folks though are looking for an even more personal option. For some of these families, we have to think way outside the box. We have held services around a favorite tree in someone’s back yard. We have scattered cremated remains at Lake Michigan and on the 13th hole of a golf course where the deceased made a hole in one. (I will never tell which golf course though. I don’t think they really like that. Let’s just say that the sand trap may contain a cup of something that is not sand.)
As far as location “don’ts” go, I would tell people who want to hold services at a tavern to have the speaking part take place sooner rather than later in relation to the drinking part. Enough said…..
By far the most interesting location was chosen by a family we served last year. The gentleman had gone into the hospital while renovations were being made on the shed attached to the barn at his beloved farm. The man died before he could see the work finished. His family held his funeral (complete with casket) in the family’s barn.
The man’s family cleaned the barn and decorated it with all sort of wild flowers and plants from the property. Only his immediate family was in attendance. His children and grandchildren spoke and I sang his favorite hymns. It was a beautiful service and there was an unmistakable rightness to the location that I wouldn’t have thought was possible.
Options? Ask for them by name.
Patti Fitchett is an Apprentice Funeral Director with Casey Family Options Funerals and Cremations of Racine Wisconsin. Patti came to the funeral business as a lay minister and found an affinity for being of service to the families of Southeastern Wisconsin.
Today’s guest post is written by Teryn O’Brien:
After a year of grief, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve also made some mistakes along the way. Today, I jotted down 15 things I wish I’d known about grief when I started my own process.
I pass this onto anyone on the journey.
1. You will feel like the world has ended. I promise, it hasn’t. Life willgo on, slowly. A new normal will come, slowly.
2. No matter how bad a day feels, it is only a day. When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up to a new day.
3. Grief comes in waves. You might be okay one hour, not okay the next. Okay one day, not okay the next day. Okay one month, not okay the next. Learn to go with the flow of what your heart and mind are feeling.
4. It’s okay to cry. Do it often. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with loss.
5. Take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Eat healthily. Work out. Do the things you love. Remember that you are still living.
6. Don’t shut people out. Don’t cut yourself off from relationships. You will hurt yourself and others.
7. No one will respond perfectly to your grief. People–even people you love–will let you down. Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out. Be prepared to give others grace. Be prepared to work through hurt and forgiveness at others’ reactions.
8. God will be there for you perfectly. He will never, ever let you down. He will let you scream, cry, and question. Throw all your emotions at Him. He is near to the brokenhearted.
9. Take time to truly remember the person you lost. Write about him or her, go back to all your memories with them, truly soak in all the good times you had with that person. It will help.
10. Facing the grief is better than running. Don’t hide from the pain. If you do, it will fester and grow and consume you.
11. You will ask “Why?” more times than you thought possible, but you may never get an answer. What helps is asking, “How? How can I live life more fully to honor my loved one? How can I love better, how can I embrace others, how can I change and grow because of this?”
12. You will try to escape grief by getting busy, busy, busy. You will think that if you don’t think about it, it’ll just go away. This isn’t really true. Take time to process and heal.
13. Liquor, sex, drugs, hobbies, work, relationships, etc., will not take the pain away. If you are using anything to try and numb the pain, it will make things worse in the long run. Seek help if you’re dealing with the sorrow in unhealthy ways.
14. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to need people. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.
15. Grief can be beautiful and deep and profound. Don’t be afraid of it. Walk alongside it. You may be surprised at what grief can teach you.
What are things you’ve learned about grief that you wish you’d known when your loss first happened?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Teryn O’Brien works in marketing with various religious imprints of Penguin Random House. She spends her free time roaming the mountains of Colorado, writing a series of novels, and combating sex trafficking. She’s of Irish descent, which is probably where she gets her warrior spirit of fighting for the broken, the hurting, the underdog. Read her blog, follow her on Twitter, or connect with her on Facebook.
Today’s guest post is written by Lynsie Lee:
They say you can’t help someone if they don’t want it for themselves. You can shove resources into their face, offer time, money, every ounce of yourself. But if they don’t want help, there is nothing you can do. Sadly, this is the case with my mother while she is dying from cancer.
Maybe she’s in denial. Maybe she is still trying to be the strong, independent woman that raised six children on her own. But now, when I walk into her dark, dingy apartment – the smell of old dishes and mildew filling my nostrils – I feel like maybe she just wants to die.
She has disconnected herself from us; much like when she was an alcoholic. We don’t know how to feel, what to say to her, how to help her. She has abandoned my siblings and I and it’s beginning to feel like she is already gone.
My family has always been the epitome of dysfunction. Our mother kept us from knowing relatives, so none of us have ever dealt with a death in the family. Questions, stresses and frustrations all swarm my mind when I think about when she actually does pass- not fully for the pain of the loss of my only parent, but for the realization that we will have to plan a funeral. The dread of needing to clean up an apartment that has been hoarded in for nearly 30 years. There’s also the weight on our shoulders of what to do with our eldest sister who still lives there because of psychiatric issues that our mother chose to neglect and refused to address. My mom is choosing to let herself die and leaving us to handle all of the issues she never could.
I’m not angry with her, which I know is a stage of the grieving process. I refuse to have anger toward somebody that did what she could with what she had (mentally, emotionally and physically). I spent enough of my childhood and adolescent being mad at her, hating her, wishing she would die. But now she is dying and it kills me to think that this is what she wants.
It kills me to see her curled up in a fragile ball on a couch surrounded by boxes with all of the light bulbs in her home burnt out. It kills me that my eldest sister has to live in these conditions and see this image every hour of every day. And it kills me that my mom refuses to let us improve this.
I’ve been grieving publicly for a few weeks and while it does mean a lot to me when I receive condolences, or when others relate with their own personal losses to cancer, I still feel alone in the fact that my mom is dying in these conditions. She’s choosing to be alone in these conditions. She’s choosing to abandon her children when she is all we have ever had.
I tried expressing to her the other night that I was sad and scared and she told me to leave her alone, that she just wanted to rest. You can’t help someone who won’t accept it. My mother doesn’t want help. My mother wants to die.
From Caleb: As a funeral director, I’ve had to learn to control my emotions. Not because I’m a selective empathetic, but because grieving families need me to be the level head in the midst of grieving souls. But I couldn’t control my emotions when I first read this post. I cried. I cried because Lynsie pulled me into her story. I cried because I’ve served families whose loved one’s have chosen to die alone. By their own choice. I’ve seen the empty pain in those left behind. The helpless pain. The grief that has been disenfranchised by the one who has died. When someone chooses to die along, it leaves behind a lonely grief. An orphaned grief.
I hope this post finds its way to other “orphans” because I know it will give them a small sense of comfort, knowing that although your loved one has barred you from grieving, there’s a community of the lonely … an orphanage for the lonely grievers.
Thank you Lynsie for being willing to share.
Today’s guest post comes from the innovative Jeff Staab. Jeff was a funeral director for 20 years; and eventually translated that experience to his entrepreneurial enterprise “Cremation Solutions”.
What is Grief?
Grief is defined as a state of extreme sorrow, especially caused due to the loss of a loved one. Grief is also accompanied by many other emotions depending on the type of loss and the kind of emotional attachment one had with the deceased. Irrespective of the cause of death and other similar situation, the pain is much more than a person is usually able to handle. There are other situations like paralysis, Alzheimer’s’ disease or a person gone missing when feelings of loss are felt.
The term is mostly used when someone witnesses the death of a loved one but the symptoms can also be seen with the loss of a job, children growing up and leaving home, disability, moving from one city to another. I was recently served with a Divorce from my wife and trust me it feels like death! The grief can feel the same whether the death is sudden or followed by prolonged illness. It basically is a mental condition and its extent varies with every individual.
Grief is further classified into disenfranchised, traumatic and complicated grief. While traumatic grief is due to a major unexpected event like a natural calamity, attack or any other violent method. This type of grief is often accompanied with anger, hatred, fear etc. Disenfranchised grief is relatively difficult to recognize and occurs due to smaller events like disability, loss of job, chronic illness, break up or any other public event. Complicated grief is the most difficult to identify and deal with.
Is Dealing with Grief a Part of Your Profession?
Loss and death are natural and inevitable truths of human life and we do need to create businesses to deal with these situations also. There are certain professions that have to deal with death and grief on a daily basis. People working as a doctor, nurse, paramedical, in funeral or insurance industry, police force etc have to learn how to deal with the extra stress of grief and sorrow. For an empathetic person, someone else’s grief also feels like his own and at times it becomes difficult to cope with it. I feel as a funeral director that for me to do a good job it’s impossible not to absorb elements of others grief. I tend to submerge myself into the situation and try to feel myself in their shoes to truly understand the needs of those I served. I probably should have been better at the art of disassociation because at year twenty I burnt out as they say, and became depressed for the first time in my life.
Working in the funeral industry is especially tougher because the medical professionals also get the opportunity to save people’s lives but this day never comes in the life of a funeral consultant. Thank god for the families that show appreciation and thanks. This is a tough job and it is real service to be around grieving people and give them the comfort and help them go through their pain till they reach a state of acceptance. Grieving people often become cranky and sensitized, so if there is any mis-communication , it is difficult to negotiate or remain stern with such clients. However, with time, you can prepare yourself and learn to be emotionally strong during these times.
Dealing with Your Own Feelings of Loss
As a funeral director I have attended many funerals and often found it hard to hold back the tears. We need to look strong and in control right! I cry like a baby now at weddings and tell others it’s from the buildup of having to hold the tears back at all those funerals. If you have suffered a loss, you know how it feels and seeing someone else in the same state may bring back your own feelings. Do not try to bury your feelings but learn to accept them. Death of a loved one is a prominent event of life and it takes it time to heal. Just because you are a person with a positive attitude, it does not mean that death of a loved one will leave you unaffected. Accept it as an inevitable life event and let it take the time it needs to heal. With this acceptance, you can feel better during the entire grieving process.
The trick is to let go as much as possible. Keep yourself busy with the daily activities. The tasks you usually delegate, do them yourself for a while. Keeping yourself physically active will also help you feel positive again and keep your mind in balance. Do not try to forget the person magically and feel bad when his or her thought come up. If you have spent a memorable time with someone, you definitely deserve to remember it.
Slowly, learn to move on. Keep faith in the almighty and accept that some things are just meant to be. Stop questioning and that will make life a lot more easier. It is important that you let go of the possessions of your loved one. The more you cling to them, the more you will remain miserable inside. Avoid getting into the state of denial and continue living the way you did, going to the same places, doing the same activities, eating the same food as you did with your loved ones. This will only deepen the grief and make it more difficult for you to carry on.
Being Around Someone in Grief
Most of us face the situation when we need to be there for people in grief. Many of us feel awkward in such situations and do not know what to say and how to react. The most important thing is to be there for them. If you don’t know what to say just don’t say anything. It is fine to be quiet at a funeral. Do not let the situation make you feel so awkward that you avoid it. A person suffering from a loss does not want more people to leave him alone whether you are a close friend, family or a stranger.
Most cultures have a huge gathering when someone is no more. Funerals should not necessarily be private or small. Having people around definitely helps. Just let them know that you understand and you care. It is not the best time to give them spiritual knowledge of how life and death don’t matter. If you know the person, feel free to talk about him a little. Share the feeling of grief and shed a few tears if you feel like.
Not many people think about it but a helping hand with the cooking comes as a great help during time of grief. Make them some tea, bring them cooked meals, do the dishes and take the garbage out. Practical help is much better than long condolences. Accompany them for routine tasks like shopping etc and drive them to public places once in a while.
Signs of Unresolved Grief
We often think that time heals everything and simply assume that the grieving period is over for someone just because few months or years have passed. In fact, the grief does not completely go away for most people. If the grief was not completely expressed initially, it may be piling up and explode at an inappropriate time. If there has been a violent activity involved with the loss, post traumatic stress can be seen. These symptoms can be identified as loss of appetite, inability to sleep well, constant headaches and backaches. All of these are signs of accumulated stress.
This happens when the person does not feel comfortable to share or express his feelings either publicly or privately. To avoid such conditions, it is advisable to attend funerals for people you care about. When a person hears others talking about the deceased, they also express themselves even if they are afraid to. If the grief is already accumulated, there are many ways to take care of it too.
Some Activities that Help Manage Grief
There are many things that you can do to keep yourself busy. Depending on your interest, you can choose an active sport or a creative hobby to devote some of your time regularly. Indulging in such activities will bring your mind back to the present moment for a while. You will get freedom from the anxieties of the future and memories of the past. Joining a dance class is a great idea because it will keep you physically and mentally occupied. Physical activity has been scientifically proved to reduce the stress hormones in the body.
Learn to meditate. It might be difficult at first but as you continue trying, it will heal you perfectly. Do not opt for an online meditation but rather go to a class to keep you committed. You can also get a massage or a spa treatment done. You might not feel like it, but go anyway. These are subtle techniques that reach and work at a level where you cannot reach on your own. .
Sometimes in life, we face situations that we are not prepared to handle. At these times, it is out faith in God that keeps us going. It is always helpful to attend a church or get exposed to other form of spiritual knowledge based on your religion and beliefs. It is possible to live a happy and healthy life in spite of the situation you are facing. There are many people who have faced big setbacks in life and still came out strong to face the world.
Remember than every situation that comes in your life can only make you stronger. Don’t only speak it but also live by it. Be thankful for the time you got to spend with your loved one and think of people who do not even have that much. Engage in community service and your heart will mend. Do something new, visit new places, make new friends. Take your time but get back to life head on.