There’s a number of different grief models that have been proposed by various psychologists. Some are good, some … not so much.
I’ve always advised that it’s dangerous to see grief work as linear. Grief rarely works in a stage-by-stage process. Rather, it’s usually cyclical. We feel and think (x) for one week; the next week we feel and think (y); and then the next week we feel and think (x) again. And we go in these cycles for years, maybe decades, maybe the rest of our lives.
The following model of grief work — developed by Therese Rando – proposes linear stages of grief work … something that I don’t like. Nevertheless, I think it can still be helpful to see these “Six R’s” and find a way we can relate to them:
This description of Rondo’s “Six R’s” is written by Kathryn Patricelli
- Recognize the loss: First, people must experience their loss and understand that it has happened.
- React: People react emotionally to their loss.
- Recollect and Re-Experience: People may review memories of their lost relationship (events that occurred, places visited together, or day to day moments that were experienced together).
- Relinquish: People begin to put their loss behind them, realizing and accepting that the world has truly changed and that there is no turning back.
- Readjust: People begin the process of returning to daily life and the loss starts to feel less acute and sharp.
- Reinvest: Ultimately, people re-enter the world, forming new relationships and commitments. They accept the changes that have occurred and move past them.
This thing is in the design phase by Lequios Hearses of Japan. And I’m gonna be Debbie Downer here. I don’t think it’d work … at least in America.
Americans like to go out in style in a Caddy or a Lincoln. They like their cars big and showy in life and death. Do Americans REALLY want their loved ones to be transported in the epitome of conservation, economy and weakness?
If you’d want to use a Prius Hearse for your loved one’s funeral, “Like” this blog post. If you’re like “naaah, give me a Lincoln” tell me why you’d opt for the big Linc.
Having just arrived to work, I walk into the office and found a paper tablet with the inscription, “So-and-so is at the Brandywine Hospital. Released. Coroners Case. Autopsy.”
I loaded the pickup van, stopped at Dunkin Donuts on the way and a half-hour later I was at the Hospital. I went through the normal procedural paperwork, and got back to the morgue where the security guard awaited me. We pulled the stretcher out of the fridge (the gentlemen had been dead since Sunday [the family had only called us this morning as they awaited the autopsy]) and unzipped the bag.
I didn’t know how he died and wanted to look at him to make sure there wasn’t an obvious and horrific cause of death. He was autopsied that much was obvious, but no abrasions or other violent injuries. And he was young. I couldn’t tell how old he was, but I knew he wasn’t much older than me.
I called dad and let him know that if the family wanted embalming, that embalming was possible. That call proved useless as I arrived to the funeral home before the family arrived at 11 and in the end they would choose cremation. I unloaded the van and awaited them to show.
The widow and her mother came through the door. And we found out the deceased was only 36 years old. Five years older than me. Too young.
My phone started ringing. I went back to another room and answered it. It was Nicki, my wife. “Can we come to the funeral home and show Pop-pop Jeremiah’s Halloween outfit?”
I thought to myself, “Well, the family is here. And Pop-pop is meeting with the family, but why not?”
“Sure”, I said. “Bring Jeremiah over.”
A couple minutes later and Jeremiah was coming through the front door with his dinosaur outfit on. And all of a sudden he was the center of attention. The widow and mother came over, he smiled at them, they smiled back and their eyes started to tear up. They laughed. Jeremiah laughed. More tears. Their mind had momentarily forgotten their grief, but their body had not.
Tears were all they had.
A smile from a dinosaur allowed them to relax enough to cry.
As the tears rolled down their checks, and as Jeremiah’s smiles waned, they remembered. Small talk ensued for a minute or two. Small talk isn’t natural around death.
They looked at my dad and he ushered them back to see their deceased beloved a last time before I took him to the crematory.
Freud — and others — have argued that monuments are phallic symbols that represent power, dominance and status. Freud would argue that the Washington Monument, the Tower of Pisa and the tombstone below are examples of such phallic displays of dominance.
But, I’m not sure how Freud et al would have interpreted the following request. What happens when you want to make your private part into a tombstone?
And what happens when that private part is not a penis?
What happens when you want this tombstone va jay jay so much that you not only put it in your will but make it your dying wish to your husband to have it done?
And what happens when you give this reason for the tombstone va jay jay to your husband: “I don’t want you chasing other women. This way you will always remember me.”
What happens, you may ask? You get a video like this (which may be NSFW, is slightly PG-13 ish and will definitely offend you even more if you’re already offended.).