The Six R’s of Grief Work
There’s a number of different grief models that have been proposed by various psychologists. Some are good, some … not so much.
I’ve always advised that it’s dangerous to see grief work as linear. Grief rarely works in a stage-by-stage process. Rather, it’s usually cyclical. We feel and think (x) for one week; the next week we feel and think (y); and then the next week we feel and think (x) again. And we go in these cycles for years, maybe decades, maybe the rest of our lives.
The following model of grief work — developed by Therese Rando — proposes linear stages of grief work … something that I don’t like. Nevertheless, I think it can still be helpful to see these “Six R’s” and find a way we can relate to them:
This description of Rondo’s “Six R’s” is written by Kathryn Patricelli
- Recognize the loss: First, people must experience their loss and understand that it has happened.
- React: People react emotionally to their loss.
- Recollect and Re-Experience: People may review memories of their lost relationship (events that occurred, places visited together, or day to day moments that were experienced together).
- Relinquish: People begin to put their loss behind them, realizing and accepting that the world has truly changed and that there is no turning back.
- Readjust: People begin the process of returning to daily life and the loss starts to feel less acute and sharp.
- Reinvest: Ultimately, people re-enter the world, forming new relationships and commitments. They accept the changes that have occurred and move past them.
A Dinosaur’s Smile
Having just arrived to work, I walk into the office and found a paper tablet with the inscription, “So-and-so is at the Brandywine Hospital. Released. Coroners Case. Autopsy.”
I loaded the pickup van, stopped at Dunkin Donuts on the way and a half-hour later I was at the Hospital. I went through the normal procedural paperwork, and got back to the morgue where the security guard awaited me. We pulled the stretcher out of the fridge (the gentlemen had been dead since Sunday [the family had only called us this morning as they awaited the autopsy]) and unzipped the bag.
I didn’t know how he died and wanted to look at him to make sure there wasn’t an obvious and horrific cause of death. He was autopsied that much was obvious, but no abrasions or other violent injuries. And he was young. I couldn’t tell how old he was, but I knew he wasn’t much older than me.
I called dad and let him know that if the family wanted embalming, that embalming was possible. That call proved useless as I arrived to the funeral home before the family arrived at 11 and in the end they would choose cremation. I unloaded the van and awaited them to show.
The widow and her mother came through the door. And we found out the deceased was only 36 years old. Five years older than me. Too young.
My phone started ringing. I went back to another room and answered it. It was Nicki, my wife. “Can we come to the funeral home and show Pop-pop Jeremiah’s Halloween outfit?”
I thought to myself, “Well, the family is here. And Pop-pop is meeting with the family, but why not?”
“Sure”, I said. “Bring Jeremiah over.”
A couple minutes later and Jeremiah was coming through the front door with his dinosaur outfit on. And all of a sudden he was the center of attention. The widow and mother came over, he smiled at them, they smiled back and their eyes started to tear up. They laughed. Jeremiah laughed. More tears. Their mind had momentarily forgotten their grief, but their body had not.
Tears were all they had.
A smile from a dinosaur allowed them to relax enough to cry.
As the tears rolled down their checks, and as Jeremiah’s smiles waned, they remembered. Small talk ensued for a minute or two. Small talk isn’t natural around death.
They looked at my dad and he ushered them back to see their deceased beloved a last time before I took him to the crematory.
Words From a Grieving Friend
A facebook and real life friend of mine posted this in his status yesterday. It was so good that I wanted to share it with you.
If you know someone who is grieving, this is probably how they want you to treat them:
Dear Friend,
Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time.
Please don’t take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don’t be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.
Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give.
Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of my loved one with me. I need to hear them.
Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichés. I can’t handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.
Please don’t try to find the “right” words to say to me. There’s nothing you can say to take away the hurt. What I need are hugs, not words.
Please don’t push me to do things I’m not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.
Please don’t stop calling me. You might think you’re respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment. Please don’t expect me to be the same as I was before. I’ve been through a traumatic experience and I’m a different person.
Please accept me for who I am today. Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours. In return for your loving support I promise that, after I’ve worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate friend-becauseI have learned from the best.
Love,
(Your name)
By Margaret Brownley
Some Pics of the Adoption Finalization
Yesterday, October 18th, our adoption of Jeremiah Michael Wilde was legally finalized … seven months and two days after his birth. This — our adoption story — has taken years of heartache as we embraced infertility, prayer and stress.
In fact, the stress was apart of our adoption story up to the VERY end.
Due to a large “Apostles Conference” that was taking place next door to the Court House, we were hard pressed to find a parking spot. It took us about 25 minutes to find a spot and we literally run three blocks to the Court House to make our 10 AM appointment. And as we ran, we were witnessed to like two or three times by “apostles.”
So, yesterday I was converted about two or three times and I got to adopt my son! Awesome day.
We were allowed to invite our families to the court room. They sat in the back while Nicki and I were each separately called to take the stand.
We placed our left hand on the Bible and raised our right, solemnly swearing to tell the truth. The judge asked both Nicki and I, “Will you care for Jeremiah as your own?” Yes. We had said “yes” in our hearts since the day we found out about him.
Fifteen minutes later it was over.
Jeremiah is our son.
We’ve been waiting for him for years.
The wait is over.
We took some pictures at the courthouse with our family. We took some pictures at a park on the way home. We had the fams over again for dinner and we took some more pictures. We celebrated the goodness. We celebrated the sacrifice of a young girl, whose gift continues to give us joy. We celebrated the life that will now be lived in our family.
Are You Suffering from Compassion Fatigue?
If you think you are suffering from Compassion Fatigue, Burnout or Secondary Trama, THIS TEST IS VERY IMPORTANT! If you’re like me, you may think you’re suffering, but you won’t reach out for help until you have an objective voice confirming your own perceptions. This test is that secondary voice! If you “fail”, it’s time for you to consider seeking professional care!
There’s a difference between burnout and compassion fatigue. Burnout in the workplace is a more general term that relates to anybody in a stressful situation, while compassion fatigue is a phenomena that specifically relates to those of us who are professional caregivers.
Being that funeral directors are susceptible to compassion fatigue AND have an uncontrolled work environment, we are especially vulnerable to burnout, as well as secondary trama. I’ve bordered compassion fatigue and burnout a couple times as an undertaker, and sometimes I’ve crossed the line into the danger zone where dark depression and self-infliction reside.
And I’ve often wondered if there’s a way to define whether or not a caregiver (such as a funeral director, nurse, doctor, etc.) is indeed suffering from compassion fatigue and/or burnout.
Here’s a test I found.
It’s long. And if you want to complete it, it might take about 15 minutes. Probably the easiest way to take it is to print out this entire article by using the “Print” button at the bottom. If you “fail” the test, seek help.
When you [help] people you have direct contact with their lives. As you may have found, your compassion for those you [help] can affect you in positive and negative ways. Below are some questions about your experiences, both positive and negative, as a [helper]. Consider each of the following questions about you and your current work situation.
Select the number that honestly reflects how frequently you experienced these things in the last 30 days.
1=Never 2=Rarely 3=Sometimes 4=Often 5=Very Often
1. I am happy.
2. I am preoccupied with more than one person I [help].
3. I get satisfaction from being able to [help] people.
4. I feel connected to others.
5. I jump or am startled by unexpected sounds.
6. I feel invigorated after working with those I [help].
7. I find it difficult to separate my personal life from my life as a [helper].
8. I am not as productive at work because I am losing sleep over traumatic experiences of a person I [help].
9. I think that I might have been affected by the traumatic stress of those I [help].
10. I feel trapped by my job as a [helper].
11. Because of my [helping], I have felt “on edge” about various things.
12. I like my work as a [helper].
13. I feel depressed because of the traumatic experiences of the people I [help].
14. I feel as though I am experiencing the trauma of someone I have [helped].
15. I have beliefs that sustain me.
16. I am pleased with how I am able to keep up with [helping] techniques and protocols.
17. I am the person I always wanted to be.
18. My work makes me feel satisfied.
19. I feel worn out because of my work as a [helper].
20. I have happy thoughts and feelings about those I [help] and how I could help them.
21. I feel overwhelmed because my case [work] load seems endless.
22. I believe I can make a difference through my work.
23. I avoid certain activities or situations because they remind me of frightening experiences of the people I [help].
24. I am proud of what I can do to [help].
25. As a result of my [helping], I have intrusive, frightening thoughts.
26. I feel “bogged down” by the system.
27. I have thoughts that I am a “success” as a [helper].
28. I can’t recall important parts of my work with trauma victims.
29. I am a very caring person.
30. I am happy that I chose to do this work.
SCREENING
Based on your responses, place your personal scores below. If you have any concerns, you should discuss them with a physical or mental health care professional.
COMPASSION SATISFACTION
Compassion satisfaction is about the pleasure you derive from being able to do your work well. For example, you may feel like it is a pleasure to help others through your work. You may feel positively about your
colleagues or your ability to contribute to the work setting or even the greater good of society. Higher scores
on this scale represent a greater satisfaction related to your ability to be an effective caregiver in your job.
Test Results Scale for Compassion Satisfaction
3. ____ 6. ___ 12. ____ 16. ____ 18. ____ 20. ____ 22. ____ 24. ____ 27. ____ 30. ____ Total: _____
The sum of my Compassion Satisfaction questions:
22 or less 43 or less = Low // Between 23 and 41 = Average // 42 or more = High
BURNOUT
Most people have an intuitive idea of what burnout is. From the research perspective, burnout is one of the elements of Compassion Fatigue (CF). It is associated with feelings of hopelessness and difficulties in dealing
with work or in doing your job effectively. These negative feelings usually have a gradual onset. They can
reflect the feeling that your efforts make no difference, or they can be associated with a very high workload or
a non-supportive work environment. Higher scores on this scale mean that you are at higher risk for burnout.
Test Results Scale for Burnout:
*1. ____ *4. ____ 8. ____ 10. ____ *15. ____ *17. ____ 19. ____ 21. ____ 26. ____ *29. ____
Total: ____
22 or less = Low // Between 23 and 41 = Average // 42 or more = High
SECONDARY TRAUMA
The second component of Compassion Fatigue (CF) is secondary traumatic stress (STS). It is about your work related, secondary exposure to extremely or traumatically stressful events. Developing problems due to exposure to other’s trauma is somewhat rare but does happen to many people who care for those who have experienced extremely or traumatically stressful events. For example, you may repeatedly hear stories about the traumatic things that happen to other people, commonly called Vicarious Traumatization. If your work puts you directly in the path of danger, for example, field work in a war or area of civil violence, this is not secondary exposure; your exposure is primary. However, if you are exposed to others’ traumatic events as a result of your work, for example, as a therapist or an emergency worker, this is secondary exposure. The symptoms of STS are usually rapid in onset and associated with a particular event. They may include being afraid, having difficulty sleeping, having images of the upsetting event pop into your mind, or avoiding things that remind you of the event.
Test Results Scale for Secondary Trama
2. ____ 5. ____ 7. ____ 9. ____ 11. ____ 13. ____ 14. ____ 23. ____ 25. ____ 28. ____ Total: _____
22 or less = Low // Between 23 and 41 = Average // 42 or more =High
IF YOU WANT MORE ANALYSIS OF YOUR SCORE, CLICK HERE: PROFESSIONAL QUALITY OF LIFE SCALE (PROQOL) COMPASSION SATISFACTION AND COMPASSION FATIGUE (PROQOL) VERSION 5 (2009)
